Jun. 2nd, 2016

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Well, I've been nursing my 16 year old cat Xena for the last six days while she's been dying.

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She stopped eating and drinking about last Thursday. I was able to give her a little water but nothing else. The last two days have been the most intense because she's had long periods of inactivity and then wakes up and crawls away a bit. But apart from this morning, no crawling today. Earlier she'd be asleep, and then put her head up a bit, and collapse back. I'd give her gentle pats and press gently on her paws, and she'd gently push back. I've been doing that for the last week, because it was once a game we played when she was a kitten. But she's not pushing back now. I thought that maybe she was still alive because there looked like there was a slight movement in her lower body, but I think that was an optical illusion, wishful thinking. She's gone.

I could have taken her to the vet's last week, but I didn't. Last year Gabby, who was a year younger than Xena had more or less the same symptoms, but she declined a lot quicker than Xena. I waited a couple of days and when I saw she wasn't eating or drinking I look her to the vet. He said she was anemic and wouldn't recover, so I decided to have her put down. As the vet went off to prepare the needle Gabby started talking to me, meowing and looking very frightened. I held her while he injected her and she died quickly in my arms. But I couldn't do that to Xena, take her to a place where she was frightened and put her down. So I made her as comfortable as I could, and allowed her to die quietly in her own time.

And it's been really hard to do that. Tomorrow I know, I will bury her next to Gabby and Pegasus, and later plat a rose bush atop her (like I did Gabby), but I think tonight I'm going to cry a lot and get drunk.

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