Jul. 1st, 2016

Meltdown

Jul. 1st, 2016 09:09 am
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I had a MELTDOWN yesterday.

Anxiety seems for the most part to dominate things. Decisions that usually should be straight forward or easy seem to just bring up waves of anxiety and panic attacks. And I think I've been spending a lot more time just at home all day, often not speaking to anyone else at all except my pets. And the cleaning and upkeep of the house has gone into decline as well. Last Sunday the most I could manage was doing the dishes and sweeping out the lounge and hallway. I know none of this can be good. Just now I feel totally embarrassed about the house and the prospect of anyone visiting feels threatening.

It can't go on this way. But stuff tried so far (anti-depressants) doesn't work. I am expecting to come back from Perth to find that Bobby's died. One of the reasons I put up with the worst boarders ever (gone since Jan 2011) was that they'd be there to look after the pets. In all the time since, I've been away from the house over night only 3 times, and not for the last 2 years.

The trip to Perth, to see my family and help with my mother's transition into a nursing home due to her dementia, caused a panic attack when I was organising the trip. I only did so with help from a Perth friend. Then there was the issue of my pets.

As it is, I've reached a compromise on the dogs after talking to my next door neighbors. They were going to feed my two cats while I'm away. What I'm doing is leaving Theo home as well, and put Bobby in a Kennel. In a Kennel 16 yo Bobby will get more attention each day, and issues of his not being able to get through the doggie door any more, won't matter. And, if Bobby dies while I'm away, next doors have said they'll bury him for me in my backyard. I know that sounds gruesome, but it helps a lot.

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