laura_seabrook: (tired)
Couldn't sleep much last night.


I tried watching some shows like Adam Ruins Everything and some docco about "how AI will change everyone's job", And then I channel surfed and came across RAGE playing Johnny Cash's cover of HURT, and just "lost it", and howled and cried and sobbed for almost a couple of hours. I felt so weak and lone and vulnerable after the last month and a bit.


No Theo any more. With a very thin support network realised just how much I'd relied on my pets for comfort and affection. Mystery was right next to me while I was howling - but a cat's not the same as a dog - no friendly wagging tail, no madly enthusiastic greeting when I get home, no faithful pooch sleeping on the bed at night. And that's gap I feel so bad.

No Ang anymore. Back in 1996 when I did my "geographical" to Sydney and stayed in a halfway house that almost drove me suicidal, the people who managed that place suggested I go for a visit to Newcastle for a week. I did, and stayed with Andrea, who preferred being called "Ang" (pronounced Anj). I liked Newcastle because it reminded me of Albany, where I'd lived when I first moved away from home. And when I made the decision to move there permanently I stayed with her for a few months until I moved to Carrington. Even after I moved to Barnsley I kept in contact with her, at least while I still had a car. I would drop in and chat with her, but after a while when I knocked on the front door there was never any reply. There was a good chance that she was out or down the back in the garden, but I didn't know that at the time.

I was upset to hear of her death via social media, but I was able to make the service for her and later the wake. Apart from a deliberate "outing" of me at the service, it was perhaps the best service I've every been to, recounting Ang's life in a way that really made you feel that she'd lived to the full. Two things stick in my mind. After Ang had a heart bypass I visited her in hospital and she told me that the doctor had told her that she had at least another 15 years of life. But I can't remember when that was. Was it in 2002? If so the Doctor was accurate. But the other thing was a discussion about the Tao and Zen. Ang wasn't "religious", but she studied whatever, a LOT. And it was about a Zen master, who hearing that he had a painful and terminal disease, choose not to end his life earlier, but to sit with it, and observe its effects until the end. At the wake I learned that Ang had been diagnosed with Leukemia in 2010. From 2010 to 2017 is a long time to battle a cancer. But from others at the wake I realised that she hadn't just "sat with it", but engaged with her community, friends and family in the best way possible.

And since Theo's death, and more so after Ang's funeral, I've been having pains in my chest. And I've been doing this, that, and the other to keep myself busy. I hd pains, and was struggling with breath. I have asthma but this seemed worse than usual. I've been told that there's a flu going around that affects your breathing and gives you aches all over. Maybe it was only that. But the chest pains got worse. I have a history of epilepsy and an anxiety  disorder which gives me panic attacks, and depression. And I've had "panics" before where a set of symptoms pointed to one thing but which were actually another (like bad posture + overweight = chest pains) so I put going to the doctor off, and off again. Last Friday morning I was having trouble breathing. Possibly the asthma and the weather combined, maybe not. So I turned up to the clinic and they put me in the nurses room and gave me an ECG, and then referrals for a blood test, a transthoracic echocardiogram (TTE)and a stress test. I got the blood test done Friday, and booked the others for Monday and Tuesday respectively.

Come Monday I had the TTE and that was fine, and did a little shopping including four 60 ltr containers, and went home. But it was a cold and windy day and hat kept blowing off and so I put it in my bad and just walked from the bus stop to home with the sun in my eyes. And walked straight into a pothole, falling over and hurting my knees and scraping my palms on the blue metal road. It was painful and I lay for a few moment. I was unable to get up and crying with the pain. And there was no one about, no one in the street anywhere. Most places had their junk outside for council collection. A four wheel drive went by checking those out and just ignored me.  After a couple of attempts I was able to get up and drag my stuff home. Next doors was out, so I sat down for a bit, and then went back to the clinic at Glendale and had the scrapes dressed.

Next day (yesterday) I went in for the stress test. I felt exhausted and disd a bit of shopping for extra band-aids and alcohol gel on the way. And I had an injection of tracer in my right hand for the first 11 minute heart scan. This was really painful by the end because your arms are up and crossed over your head, so that the scanning machine can move around your chest by degrees. And at the end of that I needed help to move my arms and get me off the machine. I needed to come back for the same thing with the stress test before it, in a few hours. I ate an orange and was able to catch a bus into Adamstown when I had a satay beef lunch special, and then caught the bus back. I was already exhausted and just sat watching the TV until called. And then I went into the room with the treadmill, was hooked up to an EKG and had another tracer injection. Only the nurse couldn't find my veins even after several goes, had squeezed my hand into a fist over the scraped part (ouch), and supervisor misgendered me and finally they found one in my left inner elbow and then put a bandage over that.

And then I was on the treadmill with a 10% incline and even at the lowest setting I was struggling and after three minutes on that I could barely breath. And that bit was over. And I was in tears by the end of of it. In fact I'd been in tears at the start of it. Then it was back into the scanning machine for 9 minutes with the crossed arm position and all I could think of was "don't panic, don't panic, don't panic" and I didn't but I was crying and needed to be lifted off at the end of it. And all day I'd had a headache which had started out as as like a small spot at the back of my head and graduated to an iron band around my head, and I hadn't been allowed to have tea or coffe or aspirin for 24 hours before the test and I was desperate for something. The nurse got me a coffe and a biscuit and I sat there for a while and then caught a bus to 9 ways and then a 267 which went from Newcastle all the way home, bought some fish and pumkin scallops for dinner and walked in the middle of my street back home, where I collapsed in fron of the TV after feeding the cats. And then I went to bed and woke up at 2:30am.

And then, in the middle of the night, after watch Hurt, I had my panic attack. I was just feeling old and decrepid and not coping, and all it seemed like was that I'd started that long walk down a dark corridor to oblivion, feeling vulnerable and exposed all the way, with no point and no hope and entropy winning in the end. Years ago when I started my "transition" in the public service I'd been forced to use the disable toilets three stories away from where I worked. Then one day I was sick and went to that and found boxes being stored in it and slipped and fell and lacked the strength initially to get up. And when I feared I might have to wait until the cleaners came before I got out, I realised that I was in an environment that didn't support me. And I had that feeling again after the pothole spill. And I don't know what to do about it, can't see the options that will change things for me here, rather than just sustain a minimum.

And I know I have to sit with this, until I do.

laura_seabrook: (Default)
Well, I just lost all my spoons for the rest of the day.

Yesterday I had a tooth filled. The dentist was cheerful and sang music hall ditties while he drilled and filled one of my teeth (two more next Friday). The the rest of the day i wasn't quite there, traveling on buses in a haphazard and looking out the bus window. I still managed to buy a loaf of bread and a 30m LAN cable, but bugger all else.

Anyway, this morning, after dreams of being suffocated, my chest heart like a steel band is around it, and I have no energy for anything. This is not much different from what I've been feeling after the seizure last month. Sigh. I worry that I'm not going to draw, or create, ever again, because I just won't be focused or energetic enough to do so.

Maybe I just need to slack off for a while.


Mar. 14th, 2014 09:54 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Feeling so sick in the head this morning, after a strange dream last night. At times I get a strange dizzy feeling where it's hard to concentrate. I should just go back to sleep perhaps. Walking the dogs was fine, but when I got back everything seemed to crowd in on me and it hard not to be confused, and cross with the pets. It's really hard to describe the anxiety disorder I have, because it seems to come in different forms. I know that today I need to be cautious about what I do. I need to go out and do some food shopping, but I have a strong feeling to STAY HOME AT ALL COSTS.

Bloody panic attacks. I lost a month to anxiety earlier this year and every time I try and continue on with the graphic novel I seem to run into trouble. My language skills seem to be disintegrating as well. I'll think a sentance and type it and find that somehow I've combined two words together or skipped ones entirely. This has been getting worse over the last few years. Thank the Goddess for spell checkes. Is it any wonder I had mobilephones with their auto correcting rubbish.

Need to sit down.
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Was in pain walking Bobby this morning. And unusually he had an idea of where he wanted to go! I just wish I'd been up to it. My mind kept on being draw to things that annoy me, like fuckwits arguing split hairs on Facebook yesterday, and other things.

Feeling very tired and unwell today. I don't want to deal with any crap, so I'm staying off Facebook as much as possible (I still have some stuff to do on some pages I manage).


Oct. 15th, 2012 08:54 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)
  • see two counsellors (whose appointments annoyingly are often in the SAME WEEK);
  • see both my supervisors;
  • go to a 2 hour post-grad seminar;
  • put together a literature review;
  • complete the confirmation review documentation (due by the 22nd);
  • try not to collapse.
This morning I am feeling marginally better, but even so, right now...
  • am having trouble breathing
  • have a wheeze
  • feel like my chest is about to burst
Still not well. :( Last night I woke about 3am to cough up phlegm and almost through up. Mucus from my head drips down my through causing breathing issues.


Not well

Oct. 12th, 2012 06:55 pm
laura_seabrook: (Default)
I thought I was on the mend before but earlier today I threw up. Not a lot, but enough to be gross. I wish I knew what this was or how long it would last. It's affected my work on the Masters if nothing else. I got only 1/2 of what I was hoping to do done this week, if that.


Oct. 12th, 2012 01:57 pm
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Just threw up.

Thought I was getting better. Guess not.

It is so COLD today!
laura_seabrook: (Default)
I need to go out today for some food shopping. I was going to go to university as well but I think that would be foolhardy. Still have that flu/cold thing, but today I'm feeling better. Why risk that and spread it further by pushing myself and going to uni?
laura_seabrook: (Default)
This morning I've felt a lot better, though not fully recovered. I think the diet of tea, eggs, toast and rice was a good choice, and will repeat that today. Also, I think I'm well enough to do some cleaning up. Dishes need to be done at least!
laura_seabrook: (tired)
Last night was not that great, but I got much more sleep. Today I feel very "hollow" and weak, but my stomach no longer feels like it has firecrackers in it. I might actually do more than sit and read or watch videos today (maybe).


Sep. 4th, 2012 10:45 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)
have been working on the presentation this afternoon. Got stuff done, and learnt stuff about Illustrator (always a plus) but -

I FEEL WEIRD, like I did yesterday

quesy stomach
funny taste in outh
eyes feel odd
am giggly he he
laura_seabrook: (Default)

Saw my G.P.  He thinks that the pain in my knee is only inflammation, and I have packets of IBProfen now to help reduce that.  Wss going to ask him about the lurgi I have but he got a phone call and said that he had it as well to whoever it was calling! The symptoms are:

  • clogged head;
  • mucus film at back of the throat;
  • queasy stomach (especially on buses); and
  • a cough (though I don't have much of that); and
  • lack of energy.

No cure and taking antibiotics would be pointless. Just rest and recover. Also with the knee, try not to upset it until it heals. Hmmm. Was more or less OK walking Bobby this morning, but we stayed on the streets and didn't cut through the bush. Still sore though, all the time. And last night my sleeping was all over the place. I fell asleep while watching Dr Who and woke up just after it'd finished (about 8:20pm). But I couldn't keep my eyes open so I went to bed. And then woke up just after midnight, and couldn't get to sleep until 3am. Crazy dreams about cybermen heads. Had trouble breathing unless propped up or way on my side.

not so hot

Jul. 19th, 2012 08:37 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)

Yesterday things were, well not right.

I went out for food shopping but ended up going into town looking for a 2nd hand (or affordable) student chair. The old one I have just doesn't hold my weight that well any more. There was a bit of running about , from office works to a place that sold $200-$400 chairs that certainly WOULD hold my weight, but in the end I got a 2nd hand one from the salvos for $35. Not the most comfortable but certainly the the most sturdy.

Got it back home via a couple of bus trips but felt really ill on the way home. It was a warmish day yesterday and I may have been overdressed and too warm. Have a chicken salad roll for lunch at the chip shop but by the time I got home (at 2pm) I was feeling sick, giddy and tired. I had planned to do more scripting in the afternoon, but when I booted the Studio PC one of the hard drives was mysteriously "off-line" - all the aprtitions were there but listed as "healthy primary partition" by the Windows Management app! Likewise booting to Linux showed that they were online but inaccessible! I realised that I was not up to sorting this out just then, and trying to was likely to bring on a disaster by trying to fix the wrong thing. I shut it down and went to bed.

Woke up about 6pm. Not quite refreshed. The PC had fixed itself after Windows did a CHKDISK on all the missing partitions! Watched a Dr Who repeat and a bit of Fantasia (bought the DVD of it last week) but couldn't keep my eyes open after the 2nd segment. Dozed off until 11:30pm, had a toilet break, and then slept until 6am. Not feeling the greatest this morning, but today it's really very cold here. No danger of falling asleep, and I have Bobby with his jacket on and under a blanket.

But it's a worry when I feel ill for no particular reason. When I got home I had the shakes, felt giddy and my vision was slightly blurry. Better today. Some of the symptoms reminded me of the food poinoning last year - hope it wasn't the chicken roll from the shop - but I felt sick on the bus as well.

laura_seabrook: (tired)

This morning I have not been feeling well.

Last night I was woken up about midnight (after falling asleep at 9pm) when one of my cats wanted to go under the covers. Didn't get back to sleep until 3am. And when i went to the toilet my knee ached extremely painfully. Yesterday I'd seen a film and done some food shopping, but it wasn't a heavy load (just two bags). When I walked Bobby this morning it still ached, but not as bad. And just now it's been really bad - sharp pain. Sunday I just couldn't finish the housework after I mowed the lawns - still haven't done the dishes or swept the floor. I had plans to resume my 30 minute daily walk, but now with this!

But I also woke with a really bad sinus headache / migraine. It didn't go away with the walk or even the aspirin I took. It's less painful now. But I seemed to lose my language for a bit. Tried writing my morning pages and it just didn't come out right - could only write simply. I could think OK, and did stuff OK, but writing was extremely difficult for me. The only way I've made this presentable was with the built in spell checker. This hasn't quite passed though I seem to be better. Typing this has me making many many mistakes, and it's giving me a mild headache..

Today also was supposed to be the day I got drawing my webcomics again. I'd just started before Bentley came and haven't got back since. Made one or two abortive starts. I was going to draw on Saturday but all the equipment it got left on the lounge room floor. I feel shakey andmy eyes feel funny. I'm a bit afraid to put pen to paper. On the weekend I set up several drawing applications on the media PC for me to use with my graphics tablets, but I have a strong feeling that if I try that today I will just get very cross and angry with myself.

Don't want to be this way. It could be: the cold (was only 5°C earlier, is currently 11°); sleep aphasia;  some form of epilepsy; a mini-stroke (unlikely I hope); or mostly likely some form of stress reaction. But what do I do? Just now I think I'll go outside and put the washing on the line, and be in the sun.
laura_seabrook: (Default)

I've obviously "come done" with some bug that's going around. I think I started catching it on Tuesday when I went out. Symptoms are dry eyes; headachy and dizzy and muscles aching. The standard fare for one of these. Felt more ill yesterday when I went to uni as well. I saw The Hunger Games in the late afternoon and felt a lot better for it, but maybe that was sitting down in a dark and air conditioned room for a couple of hours.Last night I was asleep by 9:30pm and slept until after 7 this morning (not up to walking Bobby though). 

I was going to go to uni today to pick up my Veggie co-op stuff (a big box of veggies for $15) and go to Spectrum, but I think it better if I stay at home today. I can pick up the veggie stuff tomorrow and it might be better if I don't infect other at Spectrum!

laura_seabrook: (Default)

Feeling dizzy this morning.

Last night due to thunderstorms I shut down the computer and felt exhausted by 8pm. Slept intermittently until about 6am this morning. Just couldn't seem to keep my eyes open or concentrate much. Am off to uni today regardless. Staying home doesn't improve anything. Will be contacting my GP today.

laura_seabrook: (tired)

I was keen on getting out from home on time, but I never made it to the university.

The bus driver had a continual cough (and drove terribly) and by the time I got to Jesmond I was feeling ill. I got off the bus and thought that I'd buy a few things in Woollies and get extra cash out for lunch at uni (I'd run out of supplies for a cut lunch) but after going there I still felt ill. Went to Go-Lo to look for key tags (which I found in Big-W) and eventually staggered into the disabled toilet. Was stuck there for way too long. Symptoms are more like food posening than lactose intolerance, so I'm chucking the mince I had some of yesterday (misread the used by date).

I eventually had some lunch (garlic bread and a vegie pastie) and then debated about going on to uni. Still felt off, if not downright ill. Then this guy rolled up at the bus stop who said he "had the shakes" and needed to be assisted to be able to sit down! Took that as a sign to cut my losses. I caught the next bus to Wallsend, did some food shopping, and came home. But everything seemed to take so much l-o-n-g-e-r that it ought.I got at the Jesmond bus stop just before 10am, and left it at 12:15 (where'd the time go?)!!! I felt like I was in a trick film where I was moving normally and everyone else was sped up.

And I left something I bought on the ALDI sorting counter. Have yet to phone them to see if it's still there (a plastic bag dispenser). Gasp. taking the rst of the day off and having jaffles for dinner (should be safe).


Apr. 19th, 2011 09:12 am
laura_seabrook: (tired)
For the last week and a half, I seem almost OK, until I leave the house. On Suinday I was OK until I stopped doing the housework. Then I felt weak and trembly. Went out shopping yesterday, did a minimum of stuff,  and was exhausted when I got home. Clearly I'm sick. I need to go in to the Huxley Library and clear out my locker today, or face a $20 fine. But otherwise, I think I should see my Gp> in Charlestown. Have yet to make an appointment, but after I do I'll know when to sort out both.

last night

Apr. 1st, 2011 08:08 am
laura_seabrook: (tired)

Got home and ate dip and crackers for dinner, watching DVDs in bed. Slept from about 9:00pm until 4:30am and had a really interesting dream. In the dream...

I'm riding a bicycle in Dream Newcastle (which seems to be surplanting Dream Perth) to visit a friend in a nursing home. Then it seems I'm only wearing panties and on a strange train that stretches all the way down Darby Street, and doubles up as a hospital/nursing home. I'm looking for my friend, clothes, purse and bike. I meet some sort of nurse or cleaner at the back of the train who's teasing me about having my clothes and I get angry and eventually they give them back after they've been cleaned, but they don't seem like my clothes any more. Then I go looking for my bicycle, passing strange choirs and trivia games and find it in repair at a shop that's on the train. The rastafarian in charge there says it won't be ready for a while and and I'm confused and angry and demanding to know where my purse is and someone grabs it out of the soil where it was meant to be growing and hands it back to me.

...and then I woke up. The dream had an emotional resonance with me, so I know it's meaningful in someway. Almost as good as the previous night's where Buffy and Willow were living in the town of Eureka and it was full of demons but no one was fussed too much because they were all kept at bay with wired science and the Sherrif drove a car on a ribbon up into the skies... and well you get the idea.

I think I have been physically ill with something, and it's been screwing with me all week. Having the new spectactles doesn't help either, because I still haven't adjusted to them yet. Yesterday I went into the Huxley library but I could barely read the screens of the terminals and focussing on paper type was a huge choir. Seems better today. I will be going into uni today to pick up my laptop but I probably won't be staying. THink I need lots more rest.

laura_seabrook: (tired) I did a filler for tales of the galli:

I did another page as well, for Trope World (which I'd hoped to do last Monday) though that won't be published until Friday. Glad to have done the comics, but now I feel hot and sweaty, and I have a headache and a neck ache, and it's time to turn off the the study PC, feed the pets, and have a warm bath.

There's also maybe a thunderstorm coming in. What more could I want?


laura_seabrook: (Default)

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