laura_seabrook: (tired)
Couldn't sleep much last night.


I tried watching some shows like Adam Ruins Everything and some docco about "how AI will change everyone's job", And then I channel surfed and came across RAGE playing Johnny Cash's cover of HURT, and just "lost it", and howled and cried and sobbed for almost a couple of hours. I felt so weak and lone and vulnerable after the last month and a bit.


No Theo any more. With a very thin support network realised just how much I'd relied on my pets for comfort and affection. Mystery was right next to me while I was howling - but a cat's not the same as a dog - no friendly wagging tail, no madly enthusiastic greeting when I get home, no faithful pooch sleeping on the bed at night. And that's gap I feel so bad.

No Ang anymore. Back in 1996 when I did my "geographical" to Sydney and stayed in a halfway house that almost drove me suicidal, the people who managed that place suggested I go for a visit to Newcastle for a week. I did, and stayed with Andrea, who preferred being called "Ang" (pronounced Anj). I liked Newcastle because it reminded me of Albany, where I'd lived when I first moved away from home. And when I made the decision to move there permanently I stayed with her for a few months until I moved to Carrington. Even after I moved to Barnsley I kept in contact with her, at least while I still had a car. I would drop in and chat with her, but after a while when I knocked on the front door there was never any reply. There was a good chance that she was out or down the back in the garden, but I didn't know that at the time.

I was upset to hear of her death via social media, but I was able to make the service for her and later the wake. Apart from a deliberate "outing" of me at the service, it was perhaps the best service I've every been to, recounting Ang's life in a way that really made you feel that she'd lived to the full. Two things stick in my mind. After Ang had a heart bypass I visited her in hospital and she told me that the doctor had told her that she had at least another 15 years of life. But I can't remember when that was. Was it in 2002? If so the Doctor was accurate. But the other thing was a discussion about the Tao and Zen. Ang wasn't "religious", but she studied whatever, a LOT. And it was about a Zen master, who hearing that he had a painful and terminal disease, choose not to end his life earlier, but to sit with it, and observe its effects until the end. At the wake I learned that Ang had been diagnosed with Leukemia in 2010. From 2010 to 2017 is a long time to battle a cancer. But from others at the wake I realised that she hadn't just "sat with it", but engaged with her community, friends and family in the best way possible.

And since Theo's death, and more so after Ang's funeral, I've been having pains in my chest. And I've been doing this, that, and the other to keep myself busy. I hd pains, and was struggling with breath. I have asthma but this seemed worse than usual. I've been told that there's a flu going around that affects your breathing and gives you aches all over. Maybe it was only that. But the chest pains got worse. I have a history of epilepsy and an anxiety  disorder which gives me panic attacks, and depression. And I've had "panics" before where a set of symptoms pointed to one thing but which were actually another (like bad posture + overweight = chest pains) so I put going to the doctor off, and off again. Last Friday morning I was having trouble breathing. Possibly the asthma and the weather combined, maybe not. So I turned up to the clinic and they put me in the nurses room and gave me an ECG, and then referrals for a blood test, a transthoracic echocardiogram (TTE)and a stress test. I got the blood test done Friday, and booked the others for Monday and Tuesday respectively.

Come Monday I had the TTE and that was fine, and did a little shopping including four 60 ltr containers, and went home. But it was a cold and windy day and hat kept blowing off and so I put it in my bad and just walked from the bus stop to home with the sun in my eyes. And walked straight into a pothole, falling over and hurting my knees and scraping my palms on the blue metal road. It was painful and I lay for a few moment. I was unable to get up and crying with the pain. And there was no one about, no one in the street anywhere. Most places had their junk outside for council collection. A four wheel drive went by checking those out and just ignored me.  After a couple of attempts I was able to get up and drag my stuff home. Next doors was out, so I sat down for a bit, and then went back to the clinic at Glendale and had the scrapes dressed.

Next day (yesterday) I went in for the stress test. I felt exhausted and disd a bit of shopping for extra band-aids and alcohol gel on the way. And I had an injection of tracer in my right hand for the first 11 minute heart scan. This was really painful by the end because your arms are up and crossed over your head, so that the scanning machine can move around your chest by degrees. And at the end of that I needed help to move my arms and get me off the machine. I needed to come back for the same thing with the stress test before it, in a few hours. I ate an orange and was able to catch a bus into Adamstown when I had a satay beef lunch special, and then caught the bus back. I was already exhausted and just sat watching the TV until called. And then I went into the room with the treadmill, was hooked up to an EKG and had another tracer injection. Only the nurse couldn't find my veins even after several goes, had squeezed my hand into a fist over the scraped part (ouch), and supervisor misgendered me and finally they found one in my left inner elbow and then put a bandage over that.

And then I was on the treadmill with a 10% incline and even at the lowest setting I was struggling and after three minutes on that I could barely breath. And that bit was over. And I was in tears by the end of of it. In fact I'd been in tears at the start of it. Then it was back into the scanning machine for 9 minutes with the crossed arm position and all I could think of was "don't panic, don't panic, don't panic" and I didn't but I was crying and needed to be lifted off at the end of it. And all day I'd had a headache which had started out as as like a small spot at the back of my head and graduated to an iron band around my head, and I hadn't been allowed to have tea or coffe or aspirin for 24 hours before the test and I was desperate for something. The nurse got me a coffe and a biscuit and I sat there for a while and then caught a bus to 9 ways and then a 267 which went from Newcastle all the way home, bought some fish and pumkin scallops for dinner and walked in the middle of my street back home, where I collapsed in fron of the TV after feeding the cats. And then I went to bed and woke up at 2:30am.

And then, in the middle of the night, after watch Hurt, I had my panic attack. I was just feeling old and decrepid and not coping, and all it seemed like was that I'd started that long walk down a dark corridor to oblivion, feeling vulnerable and exposed all the way, with no point and no hope and entropy winning in the end. Years ago when I started my "transition" in the public service I'd been forced to use the disable toilets three stories away from where I worked. Then one day I was sick and went to that and found boxes being stored in it and slipped and fell and lacked the strength initially to get up. And when I feared I might have to wait until the cleaners came before I got out, I realised that I was in an environment that didn't support me. And I had that feeling again after the pothole spill. And I don't know what to do about it, can't see the options that will change things for me here, rather than just sustain a minimum.

And I know I have to sit with this, until I do.

laura_seabrook: (Default)
I was at University House yesterday (in the Newcastle CBD) doing some printing. Afterwards I walked up the hill to the Library. Was feeling hot and my asthma was playing up, and desperately needed to urinate, so I went to the Women's toilet and used the disabled cubicle there. Then I got an asthma attack, and was having trouble breathing (left my breather at home).


I was trying to breath at the time and could feel a panic attack coming on, so I said nothing. When I could breath again, I opened the cubicle and no one was there. I briefly went to the library but was upset and disturbed by what just happened. I borrowed a DVD and started to walk away, with this spinning about in my head, and then I GOT ANGRY. I walked back in and asked one of the staff if any of the library staff had gone into the woman's to check on anything in the last ten minutes, He checked (somehow) and said there hadn't been. I told him I'd been "sworn at" and left it at that. But it's been disturbed me all day.

The issue was: Should I follow up with the library? Make a complaint. I didn't see who said what was said, but the staff member did say they had video surveillance in the toilets so they could tell who it was.

. . .

I had an "almost suicidal" moment this morning as I went for a brisk walk this morning by myself. The exercise was good but it brought up thoughts and feelings about the abuse at the library yesterday. And then I had all these other feelings come rushing in at me, of exhaustion, of feeling unhealthy and overweight, of feeling isolated physically. All came out in hysterical tears.

But then I got home, and the dogs were there to welcome me, and the edge of the despair was gone. I think I need to think things through today, and that I will make an OFFICIAL COMPLAINT to the library over yesterday's incident. After the stupidity I faced over toilets when I was public servant, I'm not going to fucking take crap over this any more.
laura_seabrook: (Default)

I think, as tends to happen either side of TDOR, but more so now because of my work on the research paper (first draft sent off this morning) , I get very sensitive about Trans issues. Normally I don't post a lot about those on social media  like Live Journal or Facebook, but around TDOR it's hard not to. Hence I got upset over…/ the other day because it just highlights something I no longer have in my life. This video too has some very valid points, though I know it will annoy at least one friend. But for me it's looking into the past. But, it's also very relevant, since REAL LIFE TRIPS is about "telling my story", about "becoming known".

But, does that make me "real"?

laura_seabrook: (tired)
Actually today's mistake has really got me down. Not the first mistake I've made recently. Some how I LOST those referrals last week and today I got the date wrong?  Was brooding on things on the train bad (and generally feeling down for other reasons). Maybe having a mammogram for a possible LUMP scares the shit out of me. It's probably nothing, but still. But also I've noticed over the last six months I've been making increasing typing errors on the computer. Some of that might be because I'm typing on the the Media PC in the mornings, and it's an awkward position. But more and more it seems like what I type isn't what I thought I typed in my mind.

Also I think my weight has just got out of control. Not sure what I weight but I am obese by anyone's standard. This has a side effect of coping more "Sir", "Buddy"and MAte"references (instead of "Darlin'" or "Ma'm") and I find that upsetting. Thing is I don't feel teribly femme either, more like an unfit lump who gets out of breath too easily and confused too often. Not good.


Jul. 24th, 2013 04:19 pm
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Don't feel happy or well today. Might have a seasonable bug. Went shopping for a swimsuit, and like shopping for shoes, I am always down and depressed afterwards, even if I find something (I didn't).

It's done

May. 22nd, 2013 11:22 pm
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Saw my GP today and got a med cert. Put on for a leave of absence from the Masters for Semester 2 of this year. Not up to anything else right now. Oh, and my GP prescribed LUVOX for my depression.
laura_seabrook: (Default)
I watched A.I. on TV last night. The ending always makes me cry, which I did. Gabby was on the bed, coughing, and when I patted her Theo snuggled up as well. I think I would be very lost without my pets. I need to go out today though, I was overcome by feelings of frustration and sadness dog walking this morning. I think I've been overly stressed and joyless for the last few weeks, NOT making good decisions or reactions.


Feb. 26th, 2013 11:21 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)
Got Triggered by a comment I saw in a friend's LJ post a little while earlier. Clearly I still have BIG issues over Fandom. Another friend invited me to a a Con in New Zealand and the bottom line is I don't want to go to that. The last con I was was (not counting Aussiecon III) in 1996 I was suicidal at. I swore a vow never to go to one ever again.
laura_seabrook: (tired)

Well, was going to see a film today before going to a counselling session and then go shopping. But my right knee seems just as bad today as it was yesterday. So no film, though I do need to do the other two. 

Why? Because the cinema, counselling, and shopping are all in three different places requiring walking and/or bus trips. I can get to the counselling and back on one bus trip and a very short walk, and likewise for the shopping. But  three trips like that might be too much. Besides, I hoped to see the Batman film today, but all the available session times conflict with other plans. There is an Abraham Lincoln Vampire fil which I could get to, if I caught a bus in 22 minutes, but it's all just too rushed. I know the potential for disaster when I see it.

 Likewise, there's a Marriage Equality Rally in Newcastle tomorrow at 1pm. But all I can anticipate is a series of long bus trips, standing around for a long period, and probably no way to get home before the buses stop running afterwards. Suggested on the FB Event page for it that I needed a lift to go, but that being Facebook, someone "liked" the post and no one has offered to help. So, no Rally either.  :(

laura_seabrook: (Default)

\Some years ago I made a comment at some LGBT function that "I felt broken". A colleague of mine, may thinking that I referred to being Trans, aggressively countered with "no no you're not!" but the truth is she didn't know what she was talking about.  I felt broken as a teenager, and I feel broken now.

And it's not just my knee either. I know that even though - realistically - Bentley just wasn't suitable for my household, I know that I will cry and grieve a lot over that not being the case. But I also "feel fucked" with the Masters. I seem to be falling apart. The number of typos I have when making posts has risen dramatically over the last two years. It's only through spell-checkers that I have a semblance of coherency. I can feel myself losing my language ability. I worry that I'm not going to be able to finish my Masters regardless.

Last year I had a big panic attack over at QC in Perth after being shown some pornography. It highlighted just how "dead" certain parts of my life are. And yet (or as well I feel the loneliness of that sharply.

I feel broken, and I no longer know how to heal anymore.

laura_seabrook: (Default)
I'm semi-retiring Elsie (again) and most of my other alts in SL. Apart from attending support groups and posing for webcomics/graphic novels they won't be in-world much at all. I'm not abandoning Second Life (tried that before, doesn't work) but every thing's in a state of flux right now and I need to sort that out. Also, SL is a lot emptier with certain friends who used to be there not being lately. If I'm not exploring or making a webcomic or building something, I'm getting bored in there.

When I injured my leg earlier this week I went online in the hopes of finding a little support, but it wasn't there. If I'm thinking in such terms, it's time to get off for a bit, otherwise I'll end up like I did with Facebook. I'm actually enjoying that now in a much reduced role. Maybe this'll be the same.

As I write this I wonder if this is the case with a lot of things in my life. I mean, I used to support the notion of both a trans and queer community, but I'm thinking that that is more an illusion than reality. Beginning to think that the "Queer/LGBT* community" is really the LG community extended, with hangers-on from other interest groups who mix because it's the most viable game in town. Another reason I'm not going to the annual queer student conference this year (other reasons being health, and the fact I said I wouldn't go if I couldn't get there under my own financing).

But this is not a matter of burning any bridges, it's more about being realistic about what I get back socially and emotionally, compared to any hopes I have. In that respect I suspect a law of diminished returns is starting to apply. When it comes to such things. Most events assume that you have your own transport, have no disabilities, money, and a sex drive. Guess what I don't have.


May. 4th, 2012 11:36 am
laura_seabrook: (melancholy)

This is the arc of my depressrion around that same ol' black hole:

Right now my highly elliptical orbit is close to the hole. I will get through this. It will be intense but short, and then I will shoot off to milder climes until depression's gravity draws me back again.One day I might crash entirely and splinter into unrepairable bits (maybe).
laura_seabrook: (angry)

I felt totally fucked yesterday when I got home with Bobby, and spent most of the rest of the night in bed with a very sore right leg and chest pains. Probably just stress and bad posture (the pains that is, not the sore leg) but - I also felt very angry at myself. The artwork I made, entitled "Our Differences make us the same" was only created because I was asked by someone I felt I couldn't say NO to.

Don't get me wrong, I think the work's good (photos later) BUT, I was asked for something at very short notice, and it's taken up almost a whole week. That's time I should be spending on preparing for my confirmation. True, I already had a week with Cathy while she was over here where I got nothing done. And the week after I was just exhausted and distracted, so that's two weeks where I made no progress (though in no way do I begrudge Cathy's visit - it was great to see her again). But this was another week where I haven't created more pages for the graphic novels, haven't written scripts.


Today my chest is still hurting and my leg still aches, and I have to go out anyway because I'm running out of food and I have to sort out a new debit card (yesterday I discovered that my old one had expired). Arggggh!!!

laura_seabrook: (Default)

I recently completed a survey and these are my real answers to one of the sections in it:

I assumed that they were referring to people, not pets. I know I'm loved by my pets, and a number of folk, but - they are all "out of reach"! They either live in other cities, overseas or have schedules and lives that make it difficult to access. All of which highlighted my persistent and chronic feelings of isolation.

Cranky Day

Mar. 12th, 2012 09:55 am
laura_seabrook: (tired)

Feeling wretched this morning.

Came to having breakfast after a dog walk and feeding the pets, and I felt exhausted already and very very down emotionally. Perked up after a bit of breakfast and end watching some Rocky and Bullwinkle, but I still feel very tired just now. Was originally intending to go shopping in the early morning and reformat the Studio PC. I think I'll wait until tomorrow for food shopping, and will take my time with the reformatting. Makme a list of things I need to do and will stick with that. If I don't get it all done today I'll finish tomorrow.

Nonetheless feeling this exhausted and cranky isn't good. I don't think I've been sleeping that well of late. Mowed the lawns yesterday so maybe some of this is my feeling that now. Or maybe I've been spending way too much time in front of a computer screen as well. Can't see the last changing much in the future.

Gah. Feel "worn out" - maybe tomorrow will be better, but I'll make the most of today that I can.


Feb. 12th, 2012 11:45 am
laura_seabrook: (Default)
I sorta crashed emotionally yesterday. I think there were two main "causes' of this:
  • Earlier in the week I applied for a new dog with a rescue pet group. I know that someone else did (a family) and the big issue when Jerry came out was fighting fleas in the house, and making the fences dog proof (Bobby mostly doesn't bother). But I know that I'll hear nothing for a while. Why another dog? Bobby won't last forever and a younger dog would be good company for him. Also, when all said an done I am lonely here, and having pets on the whole alleviates that.

    But the waiting's been getting to me.

  • I have been so frustrated with the lack of progress on the graphic novel. I've chosen to do the story framework via Second Life and it feels right to do so. But Everything on the sets needs to be "right" before I shoot anything. And I spent some time tracking down the right bits of furniture and emphemera and props for that. But I bought a whole slew in bulk via the SL Market place, and only afterwards logged in to have them delivered. Out of the 80 items I bought (using Linden dollars, the in-world currency) about 12 turned up. I'm missing the rest even though I've paid about $L 460 for them (about $US 1.86 in the real world). The cost isn't the point. The annoying thing is that to remedy this I have to contact the vendors for each of those items and request a re-delivery!
  • That means I can't effectively do the shoots until that's all done, which mostly means I'm getting further and further behind with it all.

All came to a head yesterday. I feel the loneliness and sadness extremely, and  was very very angry with myself. Today, I've already got the housework done for the day and plan on working through that list of undelivered stuff. I'll automate it as much as possible and probably only use a text browser (rather than a fully fledged viewer). And then it will be done. And tomorrow, regardless, I might just put some "place marker" pages up on the website and replace them when I get all that done, and in the meantime draw the first chapter.

As I so often say, we'll see.


Feb. 10th, 2012 09:13 am
laura_seabrook: (melancholy)
Woke up feeling very down this morning. I'm at least ONE MONTH late on the graphic novel. Have yet to create a real page. The stuff in SL has taken much longer than I expected. And confirmation is maybe a month away.
laura_seabrook: (tired)

Maybe it's all the exercise I did yesterday, but this morning I feel a bit emotionally disturbed. Might be the fact my birthday's coming up(I normally freak out around it) or the fact I read this story (again) this morning - I Changed Sex and Died. Read this before and in fact commented on it in 2009 (my comment's towards the bottom). It may be true but there is something about the story that seems a little too good to be believable, as if it's been embellished a lot to press buttons in people. Or it may just be good writing. 

But, I made the mistake of reading another post by the same author - Screwing My Way To Womanhood: life after quitting maleness.- which essentially how they had a great sex life for a while after surgery. Sigh. Here's the thing, I didn't. And it's not exactly that I'm jealous, but it just highlights in myself and area in my life I still feel to be missing. Would have been nice to have some sex drive after surgery. been over 10 years now, and I can count the number of times I've had sex since then on less than one hand. Earlier this year I realised that the label pansexual was much more accurate for me than bi-sexual, and a relief initially because I was afraid I'd become asexual. But really, it's all arbitrary anyway if there's no one in my (shrunken) social circles that I'm attracted to anyway. And of course I have no drive, the thought masturbation just doesn't occur to me either.

This is the sort of thing my birthday brings up. That's what happens around my birthday , I tend to get focussed on stuff that I lack rather than stuff I have.


laura_seabrook: (Default)
Saw my GP. Seems I am "morbidly obese" and this is activating my right foot and knee. Not only that but I may have decay in my upper teeth and gum disease.

Had X-rays on knee and foot. Bought bottle of savcol and will make appointment with dental clinic in morning (x-rays later in the day no doubt).

Looks like I might have to go back to a dietician again.


laura_seabrook: (Default)

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