laura_seabrook | Feeling Lost (Reply)

I've been keeping busy today. I've done the washing up, mowed the lawn, washed and hung clothes. And each chore reminded me of how much Peggy was part of my daily routine, and how much I miss him. Hallie (when she's not escaping) has been sniffing the pram I had Peggy's body in. I don't know what she or Booby think or feel, but they both watched me lower Peggy's body into the grave.

I haven't spoken to a single human being today. Yesterday I had a call from my mum, asking how I was, and that was it. I've been documenting things since his death, taking photos of the grave and whatnot. I took one today and had a shock when I downloaded it to the computer. There's a white towel lying on the sofa in the background, which is the in the same location that Pegasus used to lie, and resembles his outline vaguely.

Yesterday I went through my old style photos and scanned in those with Pegasus in them. Not as many as I thought, but (including ones already on the computer) I collected at least 96 photos. It was good to see images of him over the years. I'm tempted to make a Youtube Video in tribute, but lack the software and experience to do so.

I still feel lost. Kevin and Michelle should be back tomorrow. When Hallie starts sleeping down Kevin's end again I think I will really notice things in the morning. I keep bursting into tears at random moments. I feel a strong need to have a ceremony with them (especially Kevin, who also loved Peggy) to mark his passing and to plant that bush over him. And I have a strong need to visit Jane in Casula, whose dog died in 2006 while I was visiting her, and whom I helped bury. She'll understand.

Sorry is this is getting repetitive - you must be getting sick of reading about this. No matter what I do though, I keep circling around to my grief today. I feel totally at a loose end tonight. I might watch a video or TV. I've been on the computer so much these two days that I don't think it's a good idea to be on it tonight. I might get a little drunk. I've been drinking beer and Green Ginger Wine since Friday. maybe I'll finish the bottle tonight.