Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

...since Jenny died. I miss her, and am still sad, but seem to be more accepting of her death now.

Been working my way through this, in comic form.

Just had a phone call from Jenny's mother (who's first name, I finally learned, is Leone). Seems she consulted with the others attending the funeral and they don't want Bobby there and "didn't think it was a good idea". That's a pity, but as a friend of the deceased I need to bow to the wishes of family. This may sound odd, but I may take a photo of Bobby instead,

The right to know

Friends and associates are so ephemeral on the net. After an experience in Second Life in 2008, I've sometimes wondered...

How would you know on Facebook, Live Journal or a mailing list/forum if someone died, if all that happened was that they stopped posting?

...and this for me highlights the difference between virtual and actual friendships. Not of course, that one always knows what happens in the real world either. I was very hurt in 1995 when someone I knew for over 10 years in the public service and considered a friend Doug got married. Not only was I not invited (which I put down to the fact that I'd only just started my transition), I was only told about it well after the event, by an ex of mine who had been invited and assumed I knew!  When I came back briefly after a geographical in Sydney, I learned that Doug and his wife were living a few blocks away from my parent's house. I dropped in and his wife's first words were "Hey you look like a regular woman!" Great, and I never visited or contacted either of them again.

Yesterday I phoned Robyn, who had accompanied me to Phuket in 2000 and whom (I learned in retrospect)  had been an ex of Jenny's (and now lived a fair distance away). I felt that it was only right that she knew Jenny had died, and had a feeling no one else would tell her.

Long periods of Decline

Last night I phoned Mum and talked about jenny's death and it was a great help.

For six years my mother visited my father William in a nursing home once or more a week (with much appreciated help from Thelma Gunnell), since his double stroke on his birthday in 2000. That was the same year I went to Phuket, and it cast a pall over that event when i worried about my father. Selfishly I was glad that I no longer lived in Perth because I doubted that I could have coped with seeing the constant decline of Bill from the person I knew to the frail physical shell he became.

But that's what was in store  for jenny.

There was no cure, no way of reversing the process of steady decline that the Multiple sclerosis inflicted on her.  She was well past the stage were medical intervention could do more than just ease the pain. When I first saw her, she was walking. When I first met her in person, she used a walking a frame, and then it became a wheelchair at home, and a motorised chair enabled her to go shopping locally (and in which, to my amazement, she was able to go all the way to Wallsend plaza to get smokes!)  There came a point when she could no longer use a car and she sold it. When she could no longer transfer to and fro the chair she could no longer keep her flat and any degree of independence which, with the help of Homecare, she still had.

My father never had that - at one point he was getting out of bed ready for his birthday, and the next just a few degrees above being a vegetable - but he never knew it was coming. Jenny did, and on more than one occasion talked about suicide before it got to the stage where she could do nothing for herself and couldn't communicate either. She was a trained nurse, and knew what was coming. Yesterday she could talk, but she couldn't even use her remaining hand to do anything. So when my mother told me that  "it was a mercy that Jenny went when she did", I guess she knows what she''s talking about.

Lots of crying to do, either way

A few years later (about 2003 or 2004) it transpired that we both had the same G.P. and discretely he suggested that if I wanted, I could phone this other person for a chat, who was having some issues to do with isolation, and was also a "post op". I phoned and we chatted, and this was Jenny. We chatted at least once or twice a week for some time, and it was good to talk with her. Then, she had a problem with her computer and I offered to go over and fix it. I did.

She had the early stages of MS, used a walking frame, and lived with her husband Ron and their dog Bobby in a flat in Wallsend. I popped around once or twice, and then heard that Ron had gone into a care facility with Alzheimer's. One day, I felt so lonely that I just grabbed a video and popped over to Jenny's for a visit and suggested we watch a video together, which we did.  That was the start of my regular visits to Jenny's. Usually I'd take a video or DVD to watch and we'd chat all the way through it. Jenny loved her video collection. Sometimes I'd take milk and bread for her (both fairly safe to buy) and twice (with great effort), I drove her to someone who supplied her with the ingredients for her "herbal cigarettes". This was the thing that eased her suffering the most - smoking dope (and in fact this morning i saw news item on TV about  a marijuana-based mouth spray).

But it was more than just going over to Jenny's to watch videos (though Jenny loved the TV series House M.D. and I really enjoyed watching this with her). I could talk to her openly about a lot of things, and it helped put them in perspective. And it wasn't because we were both trans either - I liked her for who she was. When all my duckling dired and I phoned her about it, she already knew. Often when I bought milk and bread it was after she'd particularly needed them. I went there after I had a traffic accident to fall apart emotionally. Every time I'd visit I'd pay Bobby attention and give him pats. Once I took Pegasus there (a mistake) and he bit Bobby on the nose!  I took photos of her and her new kitten Rocky, who disappeared and was later discovered to have been "given away" by her next door neighbours to their neice.  I was pleased when she got Ebony, though later, when she was ill with broncitis and  I looked after both Ebony and Bobby, I understood why she couldn't have her back. We had our differences and more than once went for long periods without talking or seeing each other.

When I created my "Trans Tarot Deck"  I used Jenny as the model for the BLANCE card. Even with her problems, she always impressed me as someone who was able to manage what she had to the best avail.

Back in 2008 and when she started to decline, I visited her in different hospitals and when she wanted an "independent transfer test" I was with her for over four hours to make sure she was ok. Until I buried Pegasus, it was the most stressful thing I'd done. She failed the test, and we watched Dr Strangelove instead, until her mother or the ambulance came to get her. I took Bobby on shortly afterwards, and she went into a nursing home permanently. It was a difficult time for her. Her mother and stepfather had to clear the flat out and they sold a number of her items to pay off debts. She was very bitter over that, and resented being confined to bed. Over the course of the last 20 months she declined physically as her condition progressed.

One thing that I was glad to do was to be able to take Bobby in to see her. At first I had no success at this because I assumed I needed someone with a car to drive us in. Finally, I bought a pet carrier and took him in on the bus.

The weather in the last month or so prevented me from doing this again. I was planning to take Bobby in on Monday, but that's too late now.

My last conversation with Jenny was about her situation and the possibility of dying. She still resented the fact that she wasn't "home" (her last flat) and thought that it was unfair. Life is unfair. She told me yesterday that  she wasn't ready to go, and I hope, that in the time between then and now she was able to make peace with herself and let go. Either way, I WILL MISS HER.

The thing is - is this the effect of a flu/virus/the weather, or is it her MS getting worse and affecting her respitory system? I don't know. Her thought the second, but last year I had something just as bad as this at this time of year. Then again, I'm (more or less) in better condition than Jenny.

It was worrying.

Her mother was there but left before I did. I talked to jenny about the obvious worries. She says she's not ready to die yet. I know few people who are. I was going to visit her again today, but I think it would be better if I visited on Monday because then I can take Bobby.

I saw Jenny again yesterday at the hospital.

She has improved. If before she was only 30% of her old self, yesterday she was 80-90%. Jenny was still confused as to where she was, but more coherent all the same. She seemed healthier too. Ron, her husband (who has Alzheimer's and is in a nursing home himself) was in for a visit and Jenny seemed in better spirits. Her mother's bring in her portable DVD player so there should be a bit more stimulation for her.

Also, I saw the advert that was supposed to have Bobby in - it's this one:

It does look like Bobby, but it isn't.

I had a phone call from Jenny's mum earlier. It seems that jenny was having seizures all last night and was taken from the nursing home to a nearby hospital. Most of her family went in to visit last night, so it's obvious they think she's dying. I'm not so sure. This is all part of a decline brought on by MS.

Should be visiting her sometime tomorrow. I'm glad I didn't go out today. If I had I might have visited her in the nursing home and discovered her not there and probably no explanation. Considering the hospital she's in, I could jest walk up the road (300 metres away) to the Hospital, but that's not the point. Have been feeling very flaky today and that's the last thing that's needed for a visit.