Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

Apart from actually liking the the show HOUSE M.D., it has other meanings and associations for me. This was one of two TV shows that I started watching regularly with my late friend Jenny. Jenny was a trained nurse so she got the medical stuff  on first viewing. Me on the other hand, I sometimes needed help (except that it was -almost - never Lupus!).

Watching TV shows and films was something we could do together. She was housebound with MS for a long time and then went to a nursing home it was pretty much her only entertainment. It good to share time with her that way. We could watch a show and chat ias well, and talk about things in the shows we watched. We tried watching LOST as well, but Jenn gave up on that midway through the 2nd season (I only came back to it  just before the last season). But  House was something we always watched, even the specials on the DVD sets. In the season where House picked new staff, we double guessed who'd get eliminated.  She never saw the last two seasons of it, dying in January 2010. 

So watching HOUSE always reminded me of Jenn. Ending the show sort of ended an era for me. Sure I could always watch the show again from the start, but it just wouldn't be the same. But not only that, but the final plot arc sort of mirrored what happened to me in real life (well, in part).

I knew that the MS was slowly killing her, but we had some time before the worst of its effects would happen.  Or so we thought. Jenn had a stroke in the nursing home and then recovered (mostly). I had reconciled to this  and had a busy week and instead of seeing her on the Wednesday, got there Thursday. On getting there I discovered that she'd taken a turn for the worse and was on oxygen.. She was moistly coherent though and her mother was there, but very worried, that Jenn was dying. She seemed to rally a bit  but no one would say anything to Jenny about their fears. After her mother left I said "She's worried you're dying". We both made a joke of it, watch a film (a Pink Panther film with Peter Sellers in it) and then I had to leave to catch a bus home.  I asked if I should pop in Friday to see how she was and she told me she'd be OK, to come Monday.  Just before I went she tanked me for my time with her. I thought that was odd but just said "Anythime".

Of course she was dead by next morning.

And I have always wondered if she knew, or even if somehow she shortened her own life. We'd talked about it some times and she had plans to take an overdose of pain filler when things got too bad. I never knew how serious she was when she mentioned this. But that Thursday it seemed like she'd lost the use of her last good hand, so she would have lost control of most things. I knew that was a point that would distress her. And it's haunted me ever since, not knowing if maybe she wanted me somewhere else, so that she could die in peace. Because that's how Pegasus went. I didn't know what to do, went across the road to get help and he was dead by the time we returned.

And I saw a similar thing come up in House (I don't want to do spoilers on this) between two good friends and one of them not wanting to linger a painful death, and all I could think of was Jenny. And mucking around with the episodes just drove me crazy.

FUCK IT, I STILL MISS JENNY.

Funny how things set one off. I was upset the other week at Leone's funeral because it made me think of Jenny not being here any more (in addition to feeling sad about Leone's passing as well). The other day when I was down at Glendale I bought a copy of Tin Man for $9. My automatic thought was "this'd be a good one to watch with..." and then realised that Jenny was still dead (and has been for over a year now).

Still miss her.

After the counselling session i went to a nearby cafe to have a good lunch (it was well after 1pm by the time I came out). It was quite a pleasant lunch but important for two reasons. First was I did a psychic reading for the owner of the cafe. the second was that I talked to Debbie.

I used to read Tarot professionally for a while, but I was quite out of practice by now. However, once I started everything flowed. I think when I came out of the counselling session I was very centred, and that helps immensely.

Meeting Debbie was important, because she was one of the healthcare workers who knew Jenny by assisting her in her flat. After Jenny went into the nursing home she lost contact with her. I'd met Debbie in the cafe bbefore and she would ask after both Jenny and Jenny's dog Bobby (who I now care for). At one time she offered to drive Bobby and me to the nursing home but that never happened (instead I took him there on the bus). When Jenny died I passed on a message to Debbie via the cafe owner, but she didn't get it for weeks afterwards. So for me, and for Debbie, it was good to talk about what had happened - how Jenny had died, how the funeral was (she would have gove had she notice) and how I reacted.

It transpired that Debbie used to have a good friend who died of cancer, and there was an empathy and connection there. She understood, and I really needed to talk to someone who did. I also passed on jenny's mother's phone number to her. Debbie met Leone several times and wanted to pass on her condolences. I think this is a good thing for both of them.

It was a good lunch today.

AS they wheeled Jenny's coffin out for cremation, they played Hey Jude. This is was a really good choice, as Jenny was a big Beatles fan (we watched the Beatles Anthology together at her flat):