laura_seabrook | Jan. 28th, 2008

This year's Mardi Gras Festival is upon us. In previous years I've attended some of the events of this, and since 1996 I've been in a group that did the Mardi Gras Parade march. Most years I marched with either the Australian Bisexual Network, the Sydney Bi Network, Karuma ( a HIV/AIDS drop in centre) and last year the NSW Amnesty International LGBTQ Network (that's me in the photo below to the right with my mouth open).

Initially this was an exhilarating experience. In 1996 it was quite an experience to dance mostly in green body pain in front of hundreds of thousands of spectators (I was staying in a hostel in Sydney at the time). But over the years the experience has become much less fun and more tedious. There are I think, several reasons for this.

First, I had a disastrous affair with a member of one of the Bi groups. That resulted in a huge loss of confidence and a general withdrawal from those communities. Every year I'd see fewer faces that I'd recognise, and after the march would have less to do other than just go home.

Second, my car's condition deteriorated and it became harder to drive down for the night. My health declined as well and train travel became the only practical way to get there and back. Unless I partied on all night or crashed somewhere, it was back on the late train to Newcastle and off to bed. One year when I did party all night and someone slipped something into my drink. I spent the rest of it drinking bottles of water and trying not to dehydrate.

The 2005 march should have been great - it was a "dress in black" affair. I wore my nightclub clothes and wings. But by the end of it I felt physically ill and exhausted. No one seemed to care much, and I walked alone to the train afterwards. In 2006 I went only because it was a Pagan Float and although on the whole I enjoyed myself, I just didn't feel a connection with anyone else down there. Last year I marched with Amnesty, as I mentioned above.

But once again, the march seemed to be an isolated event for me, and because of that there's been little incentive to march again this year. Towards the end, walking back to the train, I tend to feel down and disappointed. Why bother to march if it makes me feel worse?

And yet I feel it's important. I just got an e-mail from the LGBTQ Network advertising for marchers. This year's parade is on the 1st of March. I did enjoy the march last year, and although I never got around to joining Amnesty proper (I got pissed off after being "stood up" at the uni by a contact), maybe I should march again.

The alternatives are: stay home, or (and I've never done this) be a spectator (but I'm only going to do that if I'm with someone else). What do you think?