laura_seabrook | Other stuff from yesterday (Reply)

It wasn't just fucking up with the car last night that got to me, there was other stuff as well.

The Other Stuff

Before the Queer BBQ I had a tarot reading from someone in the Queer Space. It was a good reading - not in that it "predicted" anything, but in that it cut through a lot of stuff that I've been feeling lately.

The long of the short of it is this - I haven't been feeling well for a long long time. I've been feeling bloated, lethargic, out of breath and confused for a while. I have moments of clarity, focus and energy, and then I seem to sink back into that all consuming depressive state.

Allied to this is that I feel mentally and emotionally drained, like my battery's gone flat and just isn't getting recharged. My sex life or romantic life just seems dead and barren, lifeless hopes dashed on disappointment and non event.

I often feel as if I have to take a lead, and nurture others around me, but I don't feel nurtured much in return. For once I'd just like to fall down and be caught by someone, and then just cry about it if I could. But it seems that I have be a strong one and do the decision making, and the hard grunt work of organising others.

And I can't see any way out of this. I used to think I was bisexual, but now I just don't feel sexual or attractive at all. that's why I'm not marching with the Bi group in the Mardi Gras parade this year - because it's just a reminder of stuff that hasn't been very positive for me, and meeting people with which I have little in common with, for one night a year, has become a choir rather than a joy.

I'm upset about developments overseas in an ongoing and bitter fight over the physical resources of the spiritual group I feel closest to (and am officially a part of). It undercuts my confidence and motivation to do what I know I have to do.

Then, on the way back from uni to my friend's place, I took a short cut and stumbled straight into the cover of an air shaft, grazing my right arm and creating a painful gash on my right leg. It should have been a forewarning about the car, but I just went on regardless.

I'm also upset tonight because my fears about my car became a reality, and really, I only have myself to blame. But I couldn't see any other way of getting done what I needed to except by cheating - now I've got caught I have to face the consequences. In a way I'm relieved, because it means that I shall probably never drive that car ever again, and at least now shopping trips will be planned ahead to use public transport.

So - I feel like I'm in a world of shit at the moment. This may not be a bad thing in the long run, because sometimes I have to be in that position before I really change. Let's hope that happens soon.