Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

Made an agreement last night with Kevin whereby they could have my red curtains (which I placed up originally to hide a partition to add privacy) AFTER Kevin repaired the bathroom door (that his pup mauled after they locked her in there) and after they did a round of dishes. They did the dishes and took the curtains anyway. I phone Kevin and got "There was no timeframe on the deal." WHAT?! Then he said he was trying to set up a house and could do without the attitude.

DAMNED FUCKING CUNTFACE PRICK. Another example of how I can't trust him. I was so angry though. And somehow I found myself hurting their pups, that is, until I realised that the person I wanted to hurt wasn't here after all. Not proud of that. The pups have hid under the sofa for now. I think (for their satety) I will put them back on the leads out the back tonight.

In the mean time I also think that if I go out I will start locking all the doors and windows (once the dogs are outside).  Let's see how they go if I'm not home and they can't get at their stuff.  I think Saturday might be a good day to see a film.

Sigh - and all that after I successfully managed to connect and install the Telstra modem and the switcher. I felt so good about that, but ashamed at hurting the dogs.

I was feeling FUCKED IN THE HEAD yesterday. I saw my counsellor (and went from very agro to very sad). Anyway, she gave me a printout that said this (from "Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World"):

People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centred;
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish interior motives;
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies;
Be successful anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable;
Be Honest and Frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds;
Think big anyway.

People favour the underdogs but follow only top dogs;
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight;
Build anyway.

People really need help, but may attack you if you do help them;
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have an you'll get kicked in the teeth;
Give the world your best anyway.

The issue for then, is that even if the above is true - how can I sustain myself in the mean time? The last three months have leached most of my energy and enthusiasm out of me. I have had great difficulty in creating comics (something that almost always makes me happy); have been able to do no research for my masters; and I really don't know what to do.

Tomorrow I'm going into uni to make contact. I'll pay my NUSA fees, visit all the stalls for O-week, have a free lunch; go to a Queer collective meeting and maybe see my supervisor. But deep down I feel down and out, and it feels like I'm going through the motions. I do not feel mentally healthy just now, and have had frightening dreams of violence against some people I know. there is much frustration in me, and I feel the absence of human contact and companionship.

Today I felt good about taking Bobby to see Ron at the aged care place, but I just lost all energy when I got home, and all I seemed to be able to do was watch TV (when I know that I could have done a comic page instead). I don't know why I've stopped.

I really do feel fucked in the head.

Guess who missed the bus again this morning (me of course)?

I needed to catch the *:47am bus from the shops in order to get into the CBD for an 11am appointment at the employment agency. I thought I left with enough time to spare, but got delayed by the woman who lives down the street wanting to know if I knew who owned a stolen dog. As I stood there talking to her, I saw the bus turn the corner and drive up Northville Drive! She couldn't drive me because her car was "not running well". In an impetuous moment I started to walk to the BP, about 4km away - I got as far as the bridge before the knee hurt too much. I phoned and changed the appointment - now it's at 1pm - and came back home to wait.

This is just so frustrating. Not coping well with anything at the moment and this is par for the course. I've half a mind to tell the agency that I don't feel competent any more to look for work. My key worker wanted me to "brain storm" a letter of introduction to an employer explaining why I'd be an asset to them. Last night, after writing a statement about the dog attack on Bobby (which I passed on to the ranger this morning) I sat there and just froze up in front of the screen. Just like the end of last year, when I was trying to write my Masters proposal. It's like a brick wall. My mind goes blank.

I've had it with stuff lately. Can't concentrate much any more and feel like shit.

New Order - Bizarre Love Triangle

Now to feed the pets and then collapse in a corner.

Feel calmer.

This left knee of mine has been hurting for the last month. I rode the bike today because it hurt less while I rode it. Had it x-rayed yesterday. I'm worried about it because my oldest brother had similar problems which were a result of him being overweight, and he had to have surgery on his knee.

Not feeling well today. I felt like I was choking while I was riding to the school, and especially after I came off. Probably got some sort of flu but I just feel like shit.

It didn't help that I got accosted at the end of the street last night by idiots visiting the people who live down there. Just what I need - young dickheads hurling abuse every time I go out or come back.

I think I had a major tonic-clonic seizure Wednesday morning.

I had all the symptoms of one when I woke up: confusion, migraine, "pins and needles" sensation all over my skull, and bits of my language and memory seemed to be missing. I've had periods of brain fog for the last few days, and deep feelings of depression. I may have fucked up by confusingly making comments over in tranny_rage (which I've now left) because certain words just weren't there for me. I realised something was very wrong yesterday when I couldn't remember my mother's middle name (it's Jacqueline).

Felt a lot lot better this morning. Thing is, this isn't the first time this has happened recently. At the end of May I was getting obsessive-compulsive over a silly issue regarding a local mailing list (people were only mailing minutes as Word attachments), and stressing out, and having similar symptoms, only I was afraid to post about most of them here.

Feeling fucked right now. This morning I'm going to an in-world meeting of gimpgirl in Second Life. Just as well I guess.

I just had a very odd experience in Second Life, where someone (whom I'd never met before) spoke to me for two hours. This is after a session where I just freaked out after hearing about that suicide earlier, and was definitely related to that.

Won't go into details but it was probably what I needed. But, I don't think I'll be logging in to SL as Elsie for a while, until I can think about what was said.

I must have been "confused" yesterday.

I sent an e-mail and phoned my brother wishing him a "Happy Birthday". And though his birthday is on the 1st, it's on the 1st of December! We had a good laugh, and though I was terribly embarrassed. My brother Mark accepted in good faith, but I still can't figure out how I seemed to skip a whole month!

Afterwards I almost turned up to an appointment an hour early, so I was definitely out of synch yesterday.

I can say absolutely without a doubt that today has been a confusing day.

I'm starting to recover from the lurgi that I've been down with. Even so, I still have a bit of a toothache and needed it to be looked at. First trip was to the dental clinic at Wallsend (after a damper and cappuccino breakfast in the cafe round the corner), however they sent me to the clinic at the Royal Newcastle Hospital. Now that's a funny place - it's due to be shut down and redeveloped, but for now it looks like a deserted set from a movie or TV series.

Anyway, I got there after having lunch at Harry's Cafe de Wheels, at what I thought was 2:10pm. Only, reception was closed.  I asked a doctor/official and he pointed to a sign that said "RECEPTION CLOSED BETWEEN 1PM AND 2PM" I pointed out that is was after 2pm, but he pointed to a clock in the hallway which showed 1:10pm! I figured that my clock was wrong. I went downstairs and finished reading a book and adjusted my clock (which had in fact been set to 2:20am, and with the date and year settings reset), and went back at 2:10pm.

This time reception was open, and after checking in I took a seat and waited. the Dr examined the area and said that it was my wisdom tooth and would have to be replaced. He gave me a referral card and also a referral for an X-Ray and told me that I'd have to get one done before having the tooth removed. Went to reception and initially they said that I couldn't get an appointment until the 23rd and at Wallsend! I said that that wasn't very good (17 days?) and they were able to get an appointment for me at the Hospital tomorrow, but that I'd have to get the X-Ray done.

OK - I went to the radiologist service (via the library) getting there just before 4pm. Checked in and waited, but when they'd called, it was for a different name! Huh? They'd put entirely different details on the referral slip -someone born in 1963 and living in Raymond Terrace. Once I realised the mistake I brought it to their attention - they phoned the RNH clinic and they faxed a proper referral to the service and I had the x-ray taken (see below):

I got out finally about 4:45pm, and went shopping at a nearby Coles to catch the 5:15pm Sugar Valley bus from Newcastle. Only it never came. Or rather, it did come at 5:15, only I was there at 6:15 - huh? Seems that the hospital's clock was just plain wrong. The strange thing is that everyone in the clinic was setting their time by it.

Finally I caught a bus to Wallsend, went to the library there and then waited for the (final) 7:10pm bus. I'd checked my travel clock when I got to the library but it was showing 12:40am at 1/1 in 1996! Guess I'll be getting a new travel clock soon (or at least change the battery).

A very confusing day. Can't say it inspires confidence in the staff at the RNH clinic, what with incorrect times and and wrong name. Maybe it's just as well that they're closing down on Wednesday. In any case I have to go back tomorrow to get that tooth out. Hopefully they'll remove the correct one from the right person.

And, I don't care, I'm going to set they "right" about the time (or is it maybe on "Clinic Time"?).

Been a "nervous wreck" for the last 3 days. Had some sort of "visual migraine" on the Sunday, and haven't been the same since.

I kept getting "bright spots" and "rainbows" in my vision, and seeing became very difficult. I also felt very queasy, and confused. Had to set in a dark room for a while with music playing.

Monday evening I lost my mailboxes. There were some corrupted sectors on one of the drives and bits of the accounts went missing, and my Powerband password stopped working. The last backup I did of those was back in February. The last day or so (when I haven't just felt 'immobilised') I've been trying to recover deleted files that got deleted when I was attempting to restore stuff on Thunderbird.

Powerband - the ISP that Kevin and I go through - has been sold to some group called Koala Telecom and they changed the billing period and method. A bill arrived in the mail on Friday with only my name on it - the account was specifically in both our names. In addition my Powerband password stopped working for my e-mail so I currently can't e-mail out (unless I do dial-up with Hunter Apana).

I said on Friday that I'd get back to my potential employer with a list of award rates, but with my e-mail client not working and no e-mail out that was difficult. Also, what I am I supposed to do with this - bargain myself down? There's a big difference between award rates as a sales person and library tech. I couldn't get through to Amy (my key worker) on Monday as she was off sick but we spoke today and she'll sort this out. That's something at least.

Haven't been able to keep track of accounts when it came to shopping, joint shopping with Kevin. Neither of us have been able to do that in the last week, and it's been another thing on my mind. I can't handle credit, and not knowing who owes what to whom amounts to the same thing. Also, the change in the Powerband account has made that more variable. Kevin and I have come to an agreement on writing off the last two weeks, and starting from scratch again.

But yesterday it all came to a head. I saw my counsellor at Hunter health and I had a lot to talk about. She thought that maybe the stress of the storm and the uncertainty of all this stuff was getting to me. Just not coping with it. Afterwards I went and saw Spiderman 3 at Glendale for a bit of "time out". That was OK (it's a good film for a Spiderman fan), though afterwards I got upset when someone in a newsagents used the wrong pronoun with me.

Gah - not coping too well. This stuff will probably all get resolved, but it's like a huge wall of static for me at the moment.