What the fuck are my values? [self-therapy]

[laura_seabrook]

OK, you might remember I mentioned that I'd started doing this course on Acceptance Commitment Therapy. Yesterday at TINA the stuff I'd learned hit home when I was able to help someone from "fusing" with their fears.

Here's a summary of A.C.T. (from the above linked page):

There are six core processes in ACT:

1. Contacting The Present Moment means being psychologically present: consciously connecting with whatever is happening right here, right now.
2. Defusion means learning to step back or detach from unhelpful thoughts and worries and memories: instead of getting caught up in your thoughts, or pushed around by them, or struggling to get rid of them, you learn how to let them come and go – as if they were just cars driving past outside your house. You learn how to step back and watch your thinking, so you can respond effectively - instead of getting tangled up or lost inside your thinking.
3. Acceptance means opening up and making room for painful feelings and sensations. You learn how to drop the struggle with them, give them some breathing space, and let them be there without getting all caught up in them, or overwhelmed by them; the more you can open up, and give them room to move, the easier it is for your feelings to come and go without draining you or holding you back.
4. The Observing Self is the part of you that is responsible for awareness and attention. We don’t have a word for it in common everyday language – we normally just talk about the ‘mind’. But there are two parts to the mind: the thinking self – i.e. the part that is always thinking; the part that is responsible for all your thoughts, beliefs, memories, judgements, fantasies etc. And then there’s the observing self – the part of your mind that is able to be aware of whatever you are thinking or feeling or doing at any moment. Without it, you couldn’t develop those mindfulness skills. And the more you practice those mindfulness skills, the more you’ll become aware of this part of your mind, and able to access it when you need it. (The technical term for this, in ACT, is 'self-as-context'.)
5. Values are what you want your life to be about, deep in your heart. What you want to stand for. What you want to do with your time on this planet. What ultimately matters to you in the big picture. What you would like to be remembered for by the people you love.
6. Committed action means taking action guided by your values – doing what matters – even if it’s difficult or uncomfortable

...and yes, I know initially this looks like yet another piece of new-age self-help crap, but it has (in various degrees) been working for me.

Too often I'm not present in the moment - I'm either grieving or hurting over something that's already happened, or planning/worrying about something in the future. The trouble with that is that, and this might sound "dumb" or "silly", I think too much!

I get caught up in endless loops where what I call "the critic" (you'll meet him in this web comic) takes over and I get paralysed with doubts and fears. My mind goes into an endless loop of chatter/attack/denial when I "fuse" with my thoughts and feelings. But we are all more than our thoughts and feelings (both change so quickly), just as we are all more than our colour hair, or bank balance, and so on. Fusing though, forgets that and takes on such thoughts and feelings as if they are real.

And this is where I tend to get paralysed and react with fear. ACT has a clever acronym from that...

• Fusion with your thoughts
• Evaluation of experience
• Avoidance of your experience
• Reason giving for your behaviour

...whereas what I want to do (and this isn't easy) is...

• Accept your reactions and be present
• Choose a valued direction
• Take action

To that end I've been attempting to "defuse" my thoughts as much as I can. If my mind says to me "you'll fuck up and everyone will laugh at you" I try and imagine that in the voice of daffy duck. But to do so I have to present in the moment, and realise that I'm fusing with such destructive thoughts.

Being mindful takes energy and attention.

The key is in understanding and accepting what my values are. Values aren't goals. A value is not, for example "to pay the power bill". That's a goal, because it can be measured and cane determined to have bean achieved or not. A value on the other hand is something like "the desire to be a good parent". There's no end point to such a value, though goals can be set from them (e.g. "take my child to the beach").

And here is where I stumble. Just like when I first attempted to write my masters proposal, I freeze up every time I attempt to really think about and define what I want and care about in my life. In course, we were handed sheets that divided this into ten areas: Parenting; Personal Growth; Leisure; Spirituality; Health; Work; Community & Environment; Family Relationships; Intimate Relationships; and Social Relationships. In addition to describing these in detail, they suggested two sets of ratings for each: Importance (0=none, to 10=extremely) and Effectiveness (0=not at all, to 10=living by these values every day).

Shit, that's hard to do!

But I know I do have to do this, whether I use ACT or not to help me get what I want and do what i want to do. Otherwise, why have I stopped drawing, when for all indications I still want to? Otherwise, is it always going to be misery and paralysis?