Bugger - can't get to sleep - I have this doubt since Pegasus's death last night and it won't go away. This contemplation feels more like one for Sahmain than Beltaine. I may have posted some of the following before.

( The Details )

I had a good time for Beltaine, last Monday night.

The good time was important, because as the pagan festival got closer and closer, I was becoming more and more depressed about it. See, Beltaine's  an old country springtime celebration, giving thanks that Winter is over and that Spring, with all the fertility, creativity, and growth. The livestock would start breeding, and adult folk would have their thoughts turn to fornication and procreation, themselves.

Only lately, I hadn't felt very fertile, creative or growing - and when my thoughts turn to sexual and social intercourse, they've tended to make me feel depressed. My self-esteem has been very low of late. Before my Perth trip this year I almost liked myself -- and yeah, I do (mostly) , but that ol' black hole of a heart I have just drags me down time and time again, if I do nothing to push against it.

On the Monday, I just happened to be in at NUSA when I bumped into miss_judith and spencerkaiden. Judith just happens to have the same reference book as me: Wheel of the Year: myth and magic through the seasons  by Teresa Moorey & Jane Brideson (Hodder & Stoughton, ISBN 0-340-68386-4).  It's a good guide to the (Wiccan / Witchy / Pagan) meanings of the eight festivals of the year. Anyway, I sort of got a bit upset, because there was one thing that I was focussed on, and had hoped would happen by Beltaine, and it hadn't.

Anyway, Judith invited me around that night for a make-over and a bit of a "girls night". I can't remember (if ever) the last time I did something like that. I had tentatively, planned to go over to fiery_ichor (Sally's) and do some sort of ritual, but in truth my heart just wasn't in it (I think it the greatest hypocrisy  to celebrate things that you don't feel). So after contacting Sally, we cancelled that and off I went.

I'm really glad I did.

I had ice cream, I had my hair teased and played with, and styled, and a mud mask to help my face breath, and after borrowing one of Judith's dresses, a bit of a photo shoot. I've picked out the best three (see above). I think I look happy in these pics - I felt really happy at the time - something I need more of.

Thank you Judith, for a wonderful night, and maybe the best Beltaine I've had, in a long long time.

I'll be posting some thoughts about this Beltaine really soon.