Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

Still miss ya, mate!

As part of a sequence (probably inspired by my watching episodes of Night Stalker) I dreamt of Pegasus last night. Now here's the thing - I rarely dreamed of Peggy when he was alive, and the last dream I had of him (that I recall) was just after his death, where (in the dream) he wanders on the other side of a country fence and can't get back. The dream:

In the dream I'm somehow led to a clearing in the middle of the bush. There seems to be some sort of altar near bye and the remains of a fire. I have the sense of imminent danger and of a malevolent presence somewhere about. Then, along a path come three dogs. One of them is Pegasus and he's growing - not at me, but at the unseen presence. I feel safe and together we move away.

This morning while walking Bobby I realised that the otehr two dogs were probably Maxine and Nihou, two dogs who've lived here and which Pegasus knew. Don't know what the dream meant (if anything) but it's nice to see him again.

I was sent the following while in Second Life yesterday:

There are various places within which a dog may be buried. We are thinking now of a setter, whose coat was flame in the sunshine, and who, so far as we are aware, never entertained a mean or an unworthy thought. This setter is buried beneath a cherry tree, under four feet of garden loam, and at its proper season the cherry strews petals on the green lawn of his grave. Beneath a cherry tree, or an apple, or any flowering shrub of the garden, is an excellent place to bury a good dog. Beneath such trees, such shrubs, he slept in the drowsy summer, or gnawed at a flavorous bone, or lifted head to challenge some strange intruder. These are good places, in life or in death. Yet it is a small matter, and it touches sentiment more than anything else.

For if the dog be well remembered, if sometimes he leaps through your dreams actual as in life, eyes kindling, questing, asking, laughing, begging, it matters not at all where that dog sleeps at long and at last. On a hill where the wind is unrebuked and the trees are roaring, or beside a stream he knew in puppyhood, or somewhere in the flatness of a pasture land, where most exhilarating cattle graze. It is all one to the dog, and all one to you, and nothing is gained, and nothing lost -- if memory lives. But there is one best place to bury a dog. One place that is best of all.

If you bury him in this spot, the secret of which you must already have, he will come to you when you call -- come to you over the grim, dim frontiers of death, and down the well-remembered path, and to your side again. And though you call a dozen living dogs to heel they should not growl at him, nor resent his coming, for he is yours and he belongs there.

People may scoff at you, who see no lightest blade of grass bent by his footfall, who hear no whimper pitched too fine for mere audition, people who may never really have had a dog. Smile at them then, for you shall know something that is hidden from them, and which is well worth the knowing.

The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.

by Ben Hur Lampman

You know, I buried Peggy in the middle of my backyard under a mandarin bush, but really he's buried exactly where this passage says.

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Good heavens - this Ben Hur Lampman must have left an impression. When I went to find a link for him I found Ben Hur Lampman State Park (in Jackson County, OR) and you can also get a weather forecast for this!

Today marks the first anniversary of Pegasus's death. It's hard to believe that it's been a whole year since he died. Some days, it feels just like yesterday, other days it seems like a dream. But he died one year ago about 10:20pm on this day.

So much has happened since then, but in many ways it has been much as it was before. The ever advancing mark of day after day, season after season, and year after year continues. My life seems to be unfolding as it should. And for so long Pegasus was (for me) a big part of that life). He was a constant in my life while much else changed. And then he was gone. But that's life isn't it? To quote Shakespears Sister,

hello, hello turn your radio on
is there anybody out there?
help me sing my song
la la la life is a strange thing
just when you think you learned how to use it
it's gone - Hello, Turn your radio on.

And it's true. We may think when we're young that we'll live forever but we won't. Everyone dies, even me. Even Pegasus. And his death brought home to me the nature of mortality, and exactly how much his company meant to me. I recently did a comic about Pegasus, and writing it was the hardest thing for me. I kept crying and missing him. But I'm glad I did it - because all the grief just shows me how much I cared.

The last few days when I've been in the study on the computer, I've kept seeing Pegasus's image in the corner of my eye, standing there as if waiting for me to go outside and play with him. I don't know how to respond to that. Spent a lot of time in front of the computer - maybe I should spend a lot less for a while.

It's been 150 days since he died, and this morning I've been crying a lot.