Feeling Fucked

I walked Pegasus this morning. On the walk I just kept thinking about the incident on Friday, and I just broke down crying. I just feel broken and lost (again).

Pulling the Cards

After the last post, I felt the need to draw some cards. I haven't even looked at my Tarot deck since last November. But I felt the need now, I needed something to "bounce" my mind off.

I used the Mermaids and Dolphins deck, and the Karma Cards, because they gave answers and ideas that are less warped by one's hopes and fears. Didn't do a proper tarot reading for myself 'cause I'm not in a centred state to do so. I asked for help, and then drew the cards.

Anyway, the M&D deck gave me:

• Now: YES + Tranquillity (I drew 2 cards by mistake)
  Your intuition is correct, take action accordingly. Make time to relax, be still, and enjoy your solitude, indulging in much needed self-care.
• Soon: A New Dawn
  The worst is now behind you, and positive new experiences are on the horizon.
• Result/Advice: Dream Big
  Let go of small thoughts about yourself! See yourself succeeding.

And the Karma Cards gave (Saturn in Pisces in the 3rd House):

• Spiritual:
  Be realistic about your dreams by making the right connections.
• Mental:
  Be concerned about your idealization of the idea in question.
• Physical:
  You must wait before you can be a part of something overwhelming and get your ideas going.

All of which tells me that taking a rest and attending to my needs is the right thing to do. Sometimes it's so hard for me to do just that, to sit still and do nothing. I tend to feel guilty over stupid things, like not getting a web comic done, and I wind myself up without real reason.

The only real concern I have is that I can get my artwork finished in time for the exhibition on the 26th. That's only 10 days away. I was going to go out today and try some more photos (riding my scooter out to Glendale), but maybe I'll just stay home instead. There will be time enough to take them once I feel better.

Dreams of Pastel Defender Heliotrope

I swear this morning as I awoke, I had dreams of Pastel Defender Heliotrope! Seriously, everything was in the painted style that Jennifer Reitz uses to render it in. Also, it seemed that scenes would be interrupted "close ups" of the same scene, or images of obscure technical detail from those scenes.

I've been reading a lot of this strip lately, and also Unicorn Jelly. Odd that it should be so prominent in my dreams though! Disturbing that at the moment I just don't seem able to do my own strips (though hopefully this will change)..