Feeling Rushed and Pushed

[laura_seabrook]

I'm feeling very dissatisfied with myself over the last week.

I've stayed home at least three days when I feel I shouldn't, in order to wait for a package that Kevin was waiting for (he had to go out). I've made no progress on my uni application. Ever time there's been a thunderstorm (at least once a day almost) everything has stopped.

I got that call from John about the library job during one. I should have told him to phone back. But either way that's put me in a spin.

Saturday I went out of of the house and saw a film. I just needed to get out. I was having a OK day and then I bumped into Kevin and just seemed to lose control of things. Before I knew it, I was carrying some of his shopping so that he could buy this steering wheel thing for me. Yes, I was going to buy one and have a play - at some point. But it put it on the agenda and became a priority when I could have done without. When Kevin finally got back with it, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to plug it in straight away and have a play. I did plug the thing in and there were minor technical problems and before I knew it the whole night was gone, spent fucking around with the thing.

Yesterday on the way back from my alumni luncheon (where I knew only 2 out of the ten people there) I had to stop off at Glendale and buy some chest stuff for Kevin (restivik and pain killers) and on Kevin's prompting, I bought an old copy of Need for Speed II SE. Didn't want to do anything with it that day but Kevin prompted me to install and test it. The fucking bloody thing didn't work as it was too old (the small print on the cover said it wouldn't work on 2000 or NT, though I'm using XP) and although there are patches for it I'd have to spend lots of time and effort on something that was low priority. I've un-installed it and put the gaming control away for now. It was just too much of a distraction.

And now I feel pushed and shoved about staying home again today to wait for this stupid package of his. Not that I wouldn't have been home anyway, but I can't go out back and play with Peggy or just sit down because I know damn well that's when the thing will turn up! Why doesn't he just get the thing dropped off at the PO and pick it up there?

And I feel pushed into this job, The money is good but I never said I was looking for full time work. I s'pose I'm going to have to simplify and be clear about what I do want, rather than what I don't want.

Comments

[rashelleym.livejournal.com]

There's a lot more protection built into modems these days, I believe. And phone system lines too are constantly changing. I lost two power supplies in a system I had once, before I changed outlets: later found that another outlet entirely had a loose connection, and was really obviously burnty-looking when I took the cover off (for another reason). No internet connection and/or computer? That's what it feels like for all but a few percent of people.

It's helpful to have ideas simply clearly arranged and organized, sometimes (and especially when one is a bit "flustered", which may be most of the time for many people, and hardly noticed, I feel.

Often it's tempting, I know for myself, to "cut through the confusion" by simply taking some or other action--right now. Right at the moment that action hasn't quite separated itself from thought yet.

Pausing, hesitating--as it were "freezing"--for just a moment, a few seconds, can make a huge, huge difference. The thought that wants to become action has time to unfold itself a bit more. Other thoughts have time to join in. Action has a chance to become a bit more successful. "Intention" and memories of intention can become more continuous.

With me so far? Now, at that (or those) moment (or moments) of pausing, try this.

Exhale as deeply as possible while not becoming any more tense, or as little as possible more tense.

Then take a small breath, starting very slowly to inhale, but really "taking a breath" in a normal fashion except feeling or sensing or monitoring or focusing on what "the smallest possible satisfying breath" means.

And repeat as many times as you like, or as necessary. (This can be done while walking, by the way, and even while talking to people.)

Memorize how its done by practicing it. And then you'll have it in reserve for your next panic attack. I'd be fascinated to know if you can make this technique or breathing in general work for you, to help. I utterly depend on it; it's become "second nature".

The solar plexus region will be felt getting tighter and relaxing as you breathe. The exhale-and-briefly-hold part can be very interesting, too. Sometimes if I do the exercise when already quiet, very interesting and pleasent sensations as it were "flow" from it. (I was so surprised the first time: quite, quite distracting for a few moments, it was.)

Anyhoo, sometimes people assume the relationship of "sibling" to others, and sometimes "parent" and sometimes "child", and sometimes all at the same time. Very fluid it can seem--not simple at all to put into categorical boxes, especially in relationships with biological parents and long-term roommates. (I think I read that somewhere, and the breathing exercise too, though not for this purpose.)