Uncontrollable Rage
May. 19th, 2006 02:16 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
laura_seabrookI just had an attack of road rage. For a while I absolutely wanted to ram another car full of teenage yobs and kill them. I'm not exagerating - that's exactly what I felt.
It happened when I was driving down the link road to Wallsend to get to teh RTA to have my license renewed. I was wearing and playing my MP3 player. I find it helps me drive. My car blows smoke. It has problems that I don't have the money to fix. A car with a P-Plate driver passed me and the passengers in it jeered at me and gestured and whatever (I couldn't hear with the player on). Then I just lost it.
I went through a roundabout at too fast a speed. they had to wait for another car and were behind me again. Despite the fact I was driving at 110 kmh (it's a 90 kmh road) they overtook me. As they did I swerved the car to the right. If I'd connected I would have pushed them into the concrete divide. There would have been an accident. I was 5 cm away from that. They speed up ahead. Then I swapped lanes and was going to follow them, when I had a engine blowback.
I followed them down to Wallsend, much behind and then I saw that the did a U-turn at the roundabout there, and headed back up the link road. I turned off for the shopping centre and the RTA, but got more and more frustrated when I couldn't find a parking spot. Then it dawned on me that I was in no fit state to have an eye test, or anything else for that matter, and came to the university.
I'm calm now, but this has scared the living shit out of me. I feel terribly terribly unstable. I don't know if all of a sudden I'll feel absolute fits of depression and grief, or uncontrolable rage. The last time I felt the latter, I chased idiot kids up street with a wheelie bin axle. I don't want to be this way. It worries me.
I know what sort of day this is, 'cause I've had 'em before. It's the sort of day when, if you phone friends or go to see them, they're not there; when you go to a counsellor, they're booked out for two weeks. I had originally come out to do the RTA and print of some more Tarot flyers at the uni. Maybe I should just go home.
I just feel absolutely fucked today. What's happening to my emotions.
What Happened...
It happened when I was driving down the link road to Wallsend to get to teh RTA to have my license renewed. I was wearing and playing my MP3 player. I find it helps me drive. My car blows smoke. It has problems that I don't have the money to fix. A car with a P-Plate driver passed me and the passengers in it jeered at me and gestured and whatever (I couldn't hear with the player on). Then I just lost it.
I went through a roundabout at too fast a speed. they had to wait for another car and were behind me again. Despite the fact I was driving at 110 kmh (it's a 90 kmh road) they overtook me. As they did I swerved the car to the right. If I'd connected I would have pushed them into the concrete divide. There would have been an accident. I was 5 cm away from that. They speed up ahead. Then I swapped lanes and was going to follow them, when I had a engine blowback.
I followed them down to Wallsend, much behind and then I saw that the did a U-turn at the roundabout there, and headed back up the link road. I turned off for the shopping centre and the RTA, but got more and more frustrated when I couldn't find a parking spot. Then it dawned on me that I was in no fit state to have an eye test, or anything else for that matter, and came to the university.
I'm calm now, but this has scared the living shit out of me. I feel terribly terribly unstable. I don't know if all of a sudden I'll feel absolute fits of depression and grief, or uncontrolable rage. The last time I felt the latter, I chased idiot kids up street with a wheelie bin axle. I don't want to be this way. It worries me.
I know what sort of day this is, 'cause I've had 'em before. It's the sort of day when, if you phone friends or go to see them, they're not there; when you go to a counsellor, they're booked out for two weeks. I had originally come out to do the RTA and print of some more Tarot flyers at the uni. Maybe I should just go home.
I just feel absolutely fucked today. What's happening to my emotions.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-19 10:24 am (UTC)We all go through cycles of how we react to things. The important thing is to be able to recognize the signs, which you did.
Maybe...
Date: 2006-05-19 11:10 am (UTC)This is not the first time I've had unexpected surges of rage. I've been lucky so far.
i read a book on shamanism one time...
Date: 2006-05-19 01:11 pm (UTC)Much Love,
jamie :)
Re: i read a book on shamanism one time...
Date: 2006-05-19 01:14 pm (UTC)That is true.
Body Memory
Date: 2006-05-20 10:32 pm (UTC)I haven't had a full body massage since... well I used to get them from![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chaosmanor, but that's when I lived in Perth ('96 at the latest).
Re: i read a book on shamanism one time...
Date: 2006-05-20 10:35 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-20 05:17 am (UTC)Thanks dear
Date: 2006-05-20 10:36 pm (UTC)Re: Thanks dear
Date: 2006-05-20 11:56 pm (UTC)