BIG DECISION - Possible Library Job

I wish I could get my shit together.

I'd made the decision to go back to uni and do my Masters in Fine Art. I haven't quite completed my application yet - it needs a decent proposal that I can send to my prospective supervisor for review. So there's work to be done.

             but

There's a job of Technology Officer at Lake Macquarie Council. John at my employment agency phoned me on Friday about it. A full time job that would worth $46 - $49K a year. It reads 

Job Details

"an enthusiastic and motivated person to assist the library in creating a virtual community through developing online services, web content, customer and staff training and research.              

Your excellent communication, customer service, and organisational skills will be highly regarded.  Relevant tertiary/industry qualifications and experience in Information technology services is essential."

( More Detail )

I might just have the qualifications for this. No guarantees - I'd need to see what systems they were using and how easy they'd be to learn. The job however does appeal to me. I like Library work, and though this wouldn't be on the "front line" it would be in that area.

The Choice

The rub is that it's full time. If I go for this, I really can't do my Masters. Just wouldn't have the energy or time to do so. Applying for jobs just freaks me out, in a "panic attack" sort of way. I'll set at the computer about to type out the application, and just FREEZE. I've spoken with Andrew (my agency case worker, not John) and expressed my concerns. He said he'd help me write the application, and he suggested a third option - apply for the job and then not take it.

He's going to phone me back about 11am. The way Andrew put it, I need to figure out where each option will take me, and what I really want.

Pros & Cons

Pros as "+", cons as "-":

Masters
+ completion of art project, Trans Tarot Deck
+ academic environment
+ focus for four years
- poverty
- fixed to project for four years

Job
+ real money (could fix the house, etc)
+ possible satisfaction of position (like ABS job)
+ part of a team
- stress involved in application / interview process
- unable to pursue Tarot Deck project directly

I think I need to go out the back and have a think.

Writer's Block: Ah, Youth

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I'm in the boy's change rooms, upset and shy and confused, and some runt of a bastard comes up to pick on me. I hit hit him, and later he comes back with a mate who punches the crap out of me. I go home very bloodied and get nothing but criticism from my parents.


I hated Highschool.

Stressing Out

Almost had a panic attack by the time I had the phone call.

Turns out Andrew's been delayed, so I still have to wait for him to call. I'm supposed to be staying home today as well for a package that Kevin's been waiting for - already lost two days last week doing that, when I really needed to get out of the house - grrrr.

And I just pulled the wood chip board from under the sink. It was rotted through. Oh joy, I'm going to love today.

Tomorrow's Appointment

Andrew finally phoned, to say that he couldn't talk today. However, he has someone in tomorrow that knows all about the position, so I now have an appointment at 1pm tomorrow. This'll be interesting - Kevin's out all day tomorrow, but I'm not staying home just because of that.

Feeling Rushed and Pushed

I'm feeling very dissatisfied with myself over the last week.

I've stayed home at least three days when I feel I shouldn't, in order to wait for a package that Kevin was waiting for (he had to go out). I've made no progress on my uni application. Ever time there's been a thunderstorm (at least once a day almost) everything has stopped.

I got that call from John about the library job during one. I should have told him to phone back. But either way that's put me in a spin.

Saturday I went out of of the house and saw a film. I just needed to get out. I was having a OK day and then I bumped into Kevin and just seemed to lose control of things. Before I knew it, I was carrying some of his shopping so that he could buy this steering wheel thing for me. Yes, I was going to buy one and have a play - at some point. But it put it on the agenda and became a priority when I could have done without. When Kevin finally got back with it, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to plug it in straight away and have a play. I did plug the thing in and there were minor technical problems and before I knew it the whole night was gone, spent fucking around with the thing.

Yesterday on the way back from my alumni luncheon (where I knew only 2 out of the ten people there) I had to stop off at Glendale and buy some chest stuff for Kevin (restivik and pain killers) and on Kevin's prompting, I bought an old copy of Need for Speed II SE. Didn't want to do anything with it that day but Kevin prompted me to install and test it. The fucking bloody thing didn't work as it was too old (the small print on the cover said it wouldn't work on 2000 or NT, though I'm using XP) and although there are patches for it I'd have to spend lots of time and effort on something that was low priority. I've un-installed it and put the gaming control away for now. It was just too much of a distraction.

And now I feel pushed and shoved about staying home again today to wait for this stupid package of his. Not that I wouldn't have been home anyway, but I can't go out back and play with Peggy or just sit down because I know damn well that's when the thing will turn up! Why doesn't he just get the thing dropped off at the PO and pick it up there?

And I feel pushed into this job, The money is good but I never said I was looking for full time work. I s'pose I'm going to have to simplify and be clear about what I do want, rather than what I don't want.

Chat

Just hopped SL for an hour or so for a chat. Put the issue I have with that job, and someone asked me if I was prepared to live off noodles for the next four years while I do my Masters.
  .
    .
      .
          Thought about it, and said to myself "yeah, sure, why not?"

But I might just apply for the job anyway.

And now, because I find it all too sickly sweet and presumptive, this:

Well gag me with fuckin' spoon (can't wait for this day to be over - I just feel crazy with stress)!