Free Will?

Places we went

Morning Walk

I'm crying less today so far, though I woke and immediately though of Pegasus and started. Anyway,after I fed the cats I took Hallie and Bobby for a walk.

It seems easier to take them for a walk in the mornings and each day. Neither has a problem back leg and seem very healthy. Instead of a slow stroll that I had with Peggy for the last two years, it was a brisk jaunt. Of course neither dog was stopping much to leave their mark along the way, which Peggy did. And it was strange too in that only a quarter of the dogs that barked at Peggy and me barked at us on the way. maybe they don't have the new scent yet.

Where I walked Peggy

I used to take Pegasus on all manner of walks around Barnsley. When we first moved here I'd walk him twice a day up the street/back alley way and back again (solid red line). As I got adventurous I first decided to see where the gravel road at the end of Charlton St led (broken red line). Then we'd cut through the bush and horse paddocks behind us and around the shops back to Charlton St (cyan lines). When Peggy had grown fully, we go all manner of ways down bush tracks working our way around to Appletree and then Government Roads, and back again (all green lines).

After Peggy's leg injury started playing up, we went those ways (dotted green lines) less and less. Eventually we stuck to a much smaller set of routes (dashed & solid green lines). At the same time I started walking Pegasus much more down local streets, and less in the bush. I could vary the route quite a bit (all yellow lines) and make it shorter if I needed to. The longest route was up to Nelson St and then doubling back over the creek and then through the sports oval and horse paddocks (solid yellow line, and this was the route I took the dogs this morning). We started going that long route less and less this year.

There were many other routes that I walked Pegasus with while I had the car and could drive us there, but I'd need a much bigger map to show any of them. We walked down any number of vehicle and animal trails in the bush near here. We climbed and descended the mountain ranges here so many times I lost count. We would go to Wakefield, Freeman's Waterhole, Seahampton, Awaba, and Weston and walk the bush tracks near there. We would go a walkin' and meet friends and strangers in the process. We walked alone and with friends, both human and animal. As we walked, I could often feel the "spirits of place" as we walked through the bush. I felt the local ones liked us both, and I never worried about encountering poisonous animals while we walked, making sure at the same time that we left those areas as little disturbed as possible. Sometimes I took him to visit friends in Katoomba, and I would walk him at Parramatta Park, and other places as well.

The last few months had seen us use a much smaller range of routes (mostly solid green, cyan and solid red ones). When Peggy wasn't feeling very well, it was as much as he could do to get to within a hundred metres from our home and back (mauve lines). The last walk I had with him (last Monday) we went a bit of the way up Charlton St and home again.

I will miss my walks with him, but will continue to walk both Hallie and Bobby.

Saying Goodbye

In real life I'm a pagan and follow a non-Christian religion. Just a few days ago, my dog Pegasus died. He was not only my companion but also my familiar, and I sense his loss greatly. Earlier today I attended a Sahmain ceremony in SL (technically in my Hemisphere it's Beltaine, but I needed this). I was glad I attended.

Afterwards we went to an area where people could light candles and add text as a memorial to the deceased they loved. I added one for Pegasus:

It always feels odd when something in Second Life can make a difference in Real Life. My experience in doing rituals in SL however has shown that it does. I will add a memorial in real life later (I'll plant a Mandarin bush on his grave) but for now, this has helped me come to terms with my loss.

Unconscious Mutterings

I say ... and you think ... ?

1. In love :: Pegasus
2. Be my guest :: boy dog
3. Number one :: friend
4. Swallowed whole :: into the dark night
5. 50 percent :: functional just now
6. Made in :: Heaven
7. Supplement :: Bobby
8. Right for :: ever
9. Endless :: love
10. Ceramic :: dog

Please remember to use http://subliminal.lunanina.com/ when linking to Unconscious Mutterings. Thanks!

Feeling Lost

I've been keeping busy today. I've done the washing up, mowed the lawn, washed and hung clothes. And each chore reminded me of how much Peggy was part of my daily routine, and how much I miss him. Hallie (when she's not escaping) has been sniffing the pram I had Peggy's body in. I don't know what she or Booby think or feel, but they both watched me lower Peggy's body into the grave.

I haven't spoken to a single human being today. Yesterday I had a call from my mum, asking how I was, and that was it. I've been documenting things since his death, taking photos of the grave and whatnot. I took one today and had a shock when I downloaded it to the computer. There's a white towel lying on the sofa in the background, which is the in the same location that Pegasus used to lie, and resembles his outline vaguely. 

Yesterday I went through my old style photos and scanned in those with Pegasus in them. Not as many as I thought, but (including ones already on the computer) I collected at least 96 photos. It was good to see images of him over the years. I'm tempted to make a Youtube Video in tribute, but lack the software and experience to do so.

I still feel lost. Kevin and Michelle should be back tomorrow. When Hallie starts sleeping down Kevin's end again I think I will really notice things in the morning. I keep bursting into tears at random moments. I feel a strong need to have a ceremony with them (especially Kevin, who also loved Peggy) to mark his passing and to plant that bush over him. And I have a strong need to visit Jane in Casula, whose dog died in 2006 while I was visiting her, and whom I helped bury. She'll understand.

Sorry is this is getting repetitive -  you must be getting sick of reading about this. No matter what I do though, I keep circling around to my grief today. I feel totally at a loose end tonight. I might watch a video or TV. I've been on the computer so much these two days that I don't think it's a good idea to be on it tonight. I might get a little drunk. I've been drinking beer and Green Ginger Wine since Friday. maybe I'll finish the bottle tonight.

Comics easing things down

I just spent some time reading Girl Genius. As usual, comics makes a difference.

Time for a hot bath and then bed.