Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

I'm feeling very dissatisfied with myself over the last week.

I've stayed home at least three days when I feel I shouldn't, in order to wait for a package that Kevin was waiting for (he had to go out). I've made no progress on my uni application. Ever time there's been a thunderstorm (at least once a day almost) everything has stopped.

I got that call from John about the library job during one. I should have told him to phone back. But either way that's put me in a spin.

Saturday I went out of of the house and saw a film. I just needed to get out. I was having a OK day and then I bumped into Kevin and just seemed to lose control of things. Before I knew it, I was carrying some of his shopping so that he could buy this steering wheel thing for me. Yes, I was going to buy one and have a play - at some point. But it put it on the agenda and became a priority when I could have done without. When Kevin finally got back with it, he couldn't understand why I didn't want to plug it in straight away and have a play. I did plug the thing in and there were minor technical problems and before I knew it the whole night was gone, spent fucking around with the thing.

Yesterday on the way back from my alumni luncheon (where I knew only 2 out of the ten people there) I had to stop off at Glendale and buy some chest stuff for Kevin (restivik and pain killers) and on Kevin's prompting, I bought an old copy of Need for Speed II SE. Didn't want to do anything with it that day but Kevin prompted me to install and test it. The fucking bloody thing didn't work as it was too old (the small print on the cover said it wouldn't work on 2000 or NT, though I'm using XP) and although there are patches for it I'd have to spend lots of time and effort on something that was low priority. I've un-installed it and put the gaming control away for now. It was just too much of a distraction.

And now I feel pushed and shoved about staying home again today to wait for this stupid package of his. Not that I wouldn't have been home anyway, but I can't go out back and play with Peggy or just sit down because I know damn well that's when the thing will turn up! Why doesn't he just get the thing dropped off at the PO and pick it up there?

And I feel pushed into this job, The money is good but I never said I was looking for full time work. I s'pose I'm going to have to simplify and be clear about what I do want, rather than what I don't want.

I wish I could get my shit together.

I'd made the decision to go back to uni and do my Masters in Fine Art. I haven't quite completed my application yet - it needs a decent proposal that I can send to my prospective supervisor for review. So there's work to be done.

             but

There's a job of Technology Officer at Lake Macquarie Council. John at my employment agency phoned me on Friday about it. A full time job that would worth $46 - $49K a year. It reads 

Job Details

"an enthusiastic and motivated person to assist the library in creating a virtual community through developing online services, web content, customer and staff training and research.              

Your excellent communication, customer service, and organisational skills will be highly regarded.  Relevant tertiary/industry qualifications and experience in Information technology services is essential."

( More Detail )

I might just have the qualifications for this. No guarantees - I'd need to see what systems they were using and how easy they'd be to learn. The job however does appeal to me. I like Library work, and though this wouldn't be on the "front line" it would be in that area.

The Choice

The rub is that it's full time. If I go for this, I really can't do my Masters. Just wouldn't have the energy or time to do so. Applying for jobs just freaks me out, in a "panic attack" sort of way. I'll set at the computer about to type out the application, and just FREEZE. I've spoken with Andrew (my agency case worker, not John) and expressed my concerns. He said he'd help me write the application, and he suggested a third option - apply for the job and then not take it.

He's going to phone me back about 11am. The way Andrew put it, I need to figure out where each option will take me, and what I really want.

Pros & Cons

Pros as "+", cons as "-":

Masters
+ completion of art project, Trans Tarot Deck
+ academic environment
+ focus for four years
- poverty
- fixed to project for four years

Job
+ real money (could fix the house, etc)
+ possible satisfaction of position (like ABS job)
+ part of a team
- stress involved in application / interview process
- unable to pursue Tarot Deck project directly

I think I need to go out the back and have a think.

The guy who runs the bookshop just phoned - said he might have some casual / cash-in-hand work for me! I thanked him, and said I'd phone him back when I'm a bit more compus mentas (sp?).

The irony of this is that I went to an interview today at the employment agency to see my key worker who's leaving the agency. Didn't get much done because I felt like shit warmed up.

Is the Goddess playing a joke on me? Is this irony or what?

Got a letter from TAFE today, re: the Library Tech job I applied for (2 months ago).

I didn't get it.

Went to Warner's bay earlier today to see about that job (an took Kevin with me).

Spoke to my potential employer at length. Looks like I might have employment - provided he can afford me. I need to get information about award rates to him, which I should be able to do by Monday. He has a lot to clean up and organise after the storm, so it might take a while before this job becomes real.

I was clicking through NextButton when I found a reference to a Design and Game Compliance Tester. I don't live in Brisbane, but Golly!

Actually, I notice they also have a job for a Game Software Engineer C/C++. Not that I'm good at that, but maybe someone on my friend's list is...

Had a shower, got dressed - just doing my hair.

Scared shitless.

Yesterday was mostly good, and I'm optimistic about next Wednesday.

Caught the 7:30am bus out to get to the CBD before 9am. The bus went a funny route that took in at least four schools and the Westfield's at Kotara before arriving. I met my care worker / key person and we went shopping for interview clothes. I ended up with a nice pair of leather court shoes ($40) and a dark green / pastel shirt ($29) from Rivers (oh, and a pair of socks). It was all bought for me by the employment agency!

I had a "personal development session" in the afternoon between 1-3pm, and we'd done our shopping by 10am, so I had a few hours to spend until then. I went to the library, then the Southern Cross food hall for lunch, and finally to Graphic Action before returning. Actually I detoured via the library again so I could change into my new shoes and shirt for the session. Something "funny" seemed to happen then - I felt more "clumsy" with them on, like I'd just dropped 30 pts of IQ.

Went to the session. It was all full of "common sense" tips and ideas that make good sense, but which I probably wouldn't have thought of otherwise. I also might have had a "seizure" during it as well, but that's for the next post.

Caught the same bus that I did on Tuesday which took me home via Westfield's again and the Sugar Valley bus to Barnsley. However, this time I caught it from outside Marketown in West Newcastle. Had plenty of time until the bus came, so I checked out a newsagents, and more interestingly, a place called the Newcastle Antique Centre in West Newcastle which lies just around the corner from the shopping centre. The place is filled with old and interesting hats, clothes, records, computers and stuff. I spent a while browsing before the bus came.

I felt totally stuffed by the time I got home. I tried to do things on the PC but settled for falling asleep watching the final episode of Churchill's Bodyguard.