Yesterday was a CRAZY day

My plan was - have a good night's sleep, take Bobby to see Ron at the aged care centre, and then on to see my counsellor (who was a block away). Didn't work out that way.

Got woken up at 4am buy being jumped on by Hallie. Now I know I had the connecting door shut, and the front door open (because Bobby had been throwing up) but she was there, and when I put her back down the other end I found the connecting door open. Found it really hard to get back to sleep. Woke up after 6am in bad mood. Kevin was up with insomnia and I had Hallie there (which i hadn't wanted). I took the dogs for a walk but I'm afraid I terrorised Hallie (I was just so angry, justified or not). When I got home I made breakfast and put Hallie back down the other end of the house and shut the connecting door. Even so I had breakfast in the study. When she came down once while I was getting ready I forced her back down the other end. I got the carrier ready for Bobby, and then i couldn't find him.

Looked for the bugger and he was in next door's backyard! I couldn't go in get him as (so far as I knew) they were still asleep. I was totally flusted, gave up on taking him and just left, leaving him next door (I figured he would find his own way back). But my mind was going in a crazy circle, all wound up. I decided to see a film, any film, at Glendale to take me out of that loop. I had a counselling appointment in the afternoon and calculated I could see one film and still get there on time. I was wrong. Saw Shutter Island - a disturbing but predictable film about an asylum for the criminally insane - but found I'd miscalculated and missed the bus.  The appointment was at 1pm and after taking two other buses and walking over a kilometre I got there just before 2pm. And here's where it gets even more weird, because my counsellor's 2pm appoint had missed their bus and was getting there at 3pm, so I still had a timeslot.

Shit I need that session. I have been very wound up and miserable of late, especially after yesterday. Feel like a wreck, and almost smashed a chair. Got issues that don't go away or seem to be worked out. But it helped. After the session I visited Ron. AHis brother died a couple of weeks after jenny, and he's going to the funeral on Friday. I'm taking Bobby to see him tomorrow and should turn up during a BBQ. Ron seemed very sad. I found that he and Jenny had been married since 1979. I always thought that it'd been since the early 90s, but was way off (though I wonder if he means 1989?).

Got home about 5pm, took the dogs for a proper walk to the chip shop and after feeding the pets fed myself. Have been sleeping a lot, but woke with diarrhoea - bleaugh. Hallie is up the other end and the door's shut. No fleabomb today as I'm going out. Bobby has been scratching a lot and even the flea powder doesn't help. I hope he'll be OK for today.

Better get back to bed. Been sleeping a lot but not in a good way.

SL Beta Viewer

Linden labs have released a Beta for the next viewer. Lots of changes. The full detail is at the blog. But, here's a general view:

...and here's the same scene (current viewer left / beta right):

Today

Today went better than yesterday. Despite misplacing my purse I got Bobby and myself on the bus on time. We went to the BBQ at the aged care centre and Bobby's appearance seemed to be appreciated. He got fed the equivalent of a sausage. Lucky dog.

Words of Advice

I was feeling FUCKED IN THE HEAD yesterday. I saw my counsellor (and went from very agro to very sad). Anyway, she gave me a printout that said this (from "Finding Personal Meaning in a Crazy World"):

People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centred;
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish interior motives;
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies;
Be successful anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow;
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable;
Be Honest and Frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds;
Think big anyway.

People favour the underdogs but follow only top dogs;
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight;
Build anyway.

People really need help, but may attack you if you do help them;
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have an you'll get kicked in the teeth;
Give the world your best anyway.

The issue for then, is that even if the above is true - how can I sustain myself in the mean time? The last three months have leached most of my energy and enthusiasm out of me. I have had great difficulty in creating comics (something that almost always makes me happy); have been able to do no research for my masters; and I really don't know what to do.

Tomorrow I'm going into uni to make contact. I'll pay my NUSA fees, visit all the stalls for O-week, have a free lunch; go to a Queer collective meeting and maybe see my supervisor. But deep down I feel down and out, and it feels like I'm going through the motions. I do not feel mentally healthy just now, and have had frightening dreams of violence against some people I know. there is much frustration in me, and I feel the absence of human contact and companionship.

Today I felt good about taking Bobby to see Ron at the aged care place, but I just lost all energy when I got home, and all I seemed to be able to do was watch TV (when I know that I could have done a comic page instead). I don't know why I've stopped.

I really do feel fucked in the head.