Laura Seabrook's Ramblings

A pagan friend of mine told me that the 19th was the day to make wishes on, so I made some before going asleep. I wished for:

• a new dog who would be a companion for Bobby and fit in with the cats;
• a proper resumption and completion of my Masters of Fine Art;
• a manageable social life that would support me;
• that i begin to successfully repair and maintain my house; and
• a new private vehicle next year.

I didn't start crying when I woke up this morning, and maybe that was because I had a waking dream.

In the dream, I saw a puppy in the back alley way near where it meets a bush track. It looked like a plush toy and had different markings, but somehow I knew it was Peggy, about to be reborn again. I (though I'm not actually visible in the dream) shout out his name and he comes running along the bush track. I seem to be in an adjacent horse paddock separated by a fence. He comes up wagging his tale but just as he tries to go under the barb wire red lines saying "NO ENTRY" appear (just like in Second Life, when you try and enter a private area) and he can't get through. Then I say "It's OK boy, you can go now, I'll be OK" and he barks and wags his tail and runs off down the bush track a happy pup.

This morning when I walked Hallie and Bobby, as I passed the sofa and grave in the backyard (the solid red line in this map) it didn't feel like Pegasus was still there. It felt like he was gone. Ever since he died I've been feeling his presence here, especially around the grave and sofa under the trees that we'd rest on so often. The sofa was a favourite spot for both of us. He'd sit listening and watching (and barking at distant dogs) and I'd be reading a book or a comic.

For the last three days I've been talking to him as if he was still alive, watching me around the other dogs.And I've been feeling like his spirit's here, even watching me dig his grave.

But not this morning. This morning he wasn't there.

And I believe that we all move on. That when we die our soul or personality dies with us, but that our spirit lives on, to be reborn anew to re-experience the world as a witness to the divine, whether one is human, animal, plant or whatever. And the dream I think means that to me. Yesterday I had a ritual in Second Life, and afterwards I planted a memorial candle for him. Though these things are all virtual, it was the best I could do until I do the same thing in real life, and regardless of that such rituals do seem to make a difference to me.

In any case, what the candle said was more or less "thank you for being in my life, and speed on to your next life". And last night - after I had a warm bath but before I dressed - I went out the back and sat next to the the grave, and said the same things to him, thanking him for his time with me, that I will never forget him, and that he can move on now. Then I came inside drank some wine, and fell asleep.

And this morning it feels as if his presence has been lifted, like a great weight taken from me. I will still cry and be upset for a long while to come, but I feel... ...relieved. And I will have my ceremonies, but I know now he's gone to restart the great cycle.

Good heavens - I saw a link to this in a pagan mailing list I'm on. I thought I'd check it out:

Who'd have thought that bag-pipes and drums could be used in such a way? Some of the tags on youtube were Celtic Gothic World - interesting combo.

Also, for some reason, it made me think of Immaculata (who I saw live a few years back).

I just stumbled over a pagan friendly web comic called "The Pantheon". It's not being updated at the moment, but the archives look like a lot of fun.